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I have felt like writing for a long time. It is easier for me than talking. I could be saying things into a camera, but I would be concerned about how to say things and what people might think that see me. I like to have thoughts and see them written down. It helps me to calm down. I have many thoughts, thousands a day. About pretty much every aspect of my life. Writing them down orders them for me and also directs my focus. It gives my thoughts a voice and calms me, because in this way they are not lost. I think a lot about girls. I get excited about girls. Especially the mysterious ones. The ones that seem interesting, that live outside of the ordinary. That have a passion that makes them stand out of the mainstream, that deliberately follow their dream regardless of other people’s opinion of them. Because this is how I see myself. An adventurer, a traveller, a philosopher, an enlightened human, a reflecting human, a human in tune with his essence. And my essence is not one or the other, but many things. I love people. I love my family, yet I need to be away from them more. I need to develop my own system of life. Returning home often pulls me back into old habits. Old mindsets of wanting to conform, to settle down, to try to be popular, to criticize myself for not being mainstream. Being in contact with girls I am interested in puts me through a roller coaster of feelings. I get anxious when I don’t see them, and I thrive when I am with them. I get excited after I meet them, and I get anxious when their text messages seem off. I fall hard for girls and fantasize about them. It barely ever happens, but when it happens, I imagine it all in my mind. I hope for the day when I will be together with a girl I am head over heels in love. When it all made sense. When she is beautiful, kind, and adventurous. When I can trust and just be with a person. When I am secure. Because when I meet a girl initially, I am not secure. I am anxious in fact about how it will play out. Anxiously awaiting not getting a text back. Anxious about kissing her first. Anxious about being left. These are old feelings. Initial perceptions of rejection. From a time when I had low feelings of self-worth and confidence. So much has changed. I am in many parts of my life an awesome person and I go my way embracing plans for the future. I have become independent, I share with best friends, and I live on my own, I am physically active, I play football in a team. I manage my life emphatically. I have reserves of joy in myself I cannot describe in known quantities. I have energy, motivation, excitement for life and an interest for the unknown. Because on the other side of fear lies greatness. On the other side of comfort lie things unimaginably powerful and fulfilling. I thrive in the unknown. I innovate my life. I am grateful for the things that were given to me by my parents. I use them with care. I love my family for what they have given me. I love them for being there for me, always. For the home base they will ever be. For the stability they offered to me. Yet I will find my luck outside of the unknown. Outside of my hometown, outside of Austria. For now. For as long as I have that desire to go out there. For I can always come back, work in Austria. As I know deep inside that there is this raging fire of lust for life that spreads in me usually when I am abroad. For my mind needs stimulation and enjoys stimulation. All-encompassing stimulation. For there are surely calmer people than me. For my past to have instilled this desire in me through the tough times it put me through. Yet I am not question myself but accept, embrace, and accommodate. Because this is where my path lies. My true nature, as someone breaking boundaries, because he believes in the value of creative disruption, innovation reassembling and relentless happiness. Being true to oneself, but not forget to be socially constructive. To contribute through work, to keep oneself occupied, and not to complain too much. To realize the value there is in being human, the precious gift it is to be born and to desire to share this experience of life with the people of one’s life. To engage in human interaction, empathy, and kindness wherever possible. To love and to choose love over fear, as often as possible. To act from a place of desire, warmth, and empathy and not from a place of worry, fear and anxiety. To believe in the good of the world and its people. To choose to emit good vibrations instead of bad vibrations. Always. To give back in any possible way.
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