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I set boundaries and ended a friendship
11 months ago · · Friendship, · Explicit
I'm more of the fawn/freeze/flight type of person. I don't really say what's on my mind or share my opinions very openly. it's not that I try to avoid confrontation per se- but I am afraid of rejection, I had a few bad experiences in the past, but it also comes down to my personality. anyways I have always been respectful and open to having these types of conversations in high-stress situations. I may be late in saying what I want to say, which I think I need to improve on, to own my beliefs and opinions; but I can feel confident that when it comes down to it, I can be courageous.
Well for the point I'm writing this in the first place that I tried to sort of share my thoughts with a friend of mine (friends from summer break to beginning of winter semester, so not very long). I always had a weird feeling about him, sometimes he says the most roundabout or blatantly sexist things. it's not just that but I felt like he didn't even know my personality at all, he'd assume things of me or misinterpret what I'm saying so often that it was shocking that he'd even assume that I meant that. I know we hadn't known each other too long, but it felt like no matter what he just didn't see me for who I really was. he also would say very condescending things like if I said no to like joining him to do something, he would take it personally like I didn't have anything better to do or that I'm turning him down. once I was in a bad mood with him bc he said my project looked like shit so when he asked me to get coffee with him later and I said no kindly bc I wanted to continue working he kind of scoffed at me and asked someone else to go with him. and to me my first reaction was that he's trying to say I'm disposable like he can ask anyone, and I'm sure that was his intention bc he seemed genuinely attacked that I said no bc a normal response is to just be like ok cool no problem, right? ik it sounds like I'm reading too into it but I'm gonna trust my gut with that one bc the vibe was just like that, it felt like he was looking down on me. but I recovered pretty quickly in that scenario bc this is not high school, yknow, I'm my own person, and I'm done reading into things too much. I don't want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my friend, cause that's stupid and a waste of my time.
Some of his takes would be that women are worse drivers bc it's like in our DNA and our reaction time is slower or whatever. I tried to fight him on that in a mature manner and he kept making excuses that all the articles I sent him were made by women so it was obviously not accurate, so like you want me to get a man to author it for you to believe it?? make it make sense. anyways I asked him to provide his own research if he was so sure of himself and he basically ended the conversation there LOL. he also consumed content that was like "women have too high standards" that only would show like a specific group of women and just be like thats all women(???) like I don't understand why this has to take up so much of your thoughts, I feel like men get away with having high standards all the time lol.
also, he blatantly said that I don't have anything better to do than to exercise with him, which really started all this for me. I just didn't feel respected by him and I told him that and he got so defensive, like that's not an odd reaction even if he honestly disagrees with me but again I think his ego is hurt every time I display any negative reaction to him. he started bringing up his past, saying he was much worse back then and I quote "would have punched you in the face if I was still the old me" like I was speachless, not bc i felt intimidated which I think was his intention but bc I couldn't believe that he thought that was appropriate to say in that moment. I went from out of body wtf moment, to disappointment in him for feeling like that was something he needed to share, to disgusted that he was bragging about punching me unprovoked (sure the conversation wasn't fun but I was in no way threatening him), to lastly disappointed in myself that I let his behavior go on for this long without realizing that he was this bad. he brought up my past that I shared with him in confidence, told him about my past traumatic experiences with one friend in particular, and spun it around to say that I was probably the problem and that I'm just too sensitive, that there was probably nothing wrong with her, which really hurt. I had gone into this conversation really prepared, I make voice memos on how I felt, wrote notes, edited my notes, I wanted to be respectful I wanted to express my feelings and not just be the one talking but hear him out too. but all I heard were excuses or him asking me what I wanted him to change, and it's like I don't want you to CHANGE, I just wanted him to understand how I was feeling and maybe do some reflections on the things he says to me; but the more I talked to him I realized that wouldn't happen because he just wasn't open to that. I'm sure I could have gone about things differently or said things in a better way, but the bottom line is that I tried my best, in the moment it's hard to say the perfect thing no matter how prepared you are; and he never filters his words for me so I don't think it's fair to criticize myself for not choosing the right words when he hasn't ever done that for himself. He wasn't listening to what I was saying but reading in between false lines and assuming what I meant, so nope, if he's going to try to make jabs at my character and just lie about my personality then we're not friends.
I didn't mean to actually vent but I felt really proud of myself for being able to have an open conversation about this, I think I handled it more maturely than he did, though I'm not sure if that's really an accomplishment LOL, sure I've got my own problems but ultimately he wasn't the support I needed, I knew that I wouldn't keep growing as a person if I stayed close to him.