is this life is this life is this life is it all

I feel very weird lately, I see myself from outside, I don't know and I look quite miserable. fighting to get a proper position, feeling the pressure, getting old when everyone my age is young, and sad when I should be happy.

I am scared. so scared of tomorrow I do not look at it the way I should.

Quite alone too. Not many people, friends, some colleagues, but feeling very weird with them most of the time, having to pretend and always trying to control each of my words in case I may say something wrong.

Life, life, life. My heart is hurting, and I know I can feel it. It's suffering probably. I wanted to do many things this year, and so far, we've been enduring, surviving, and trying. I am trying. I wrote many papers, trying to have this story published, not working. How do you not give up your dream? I think there's an age you do not get to dream anymore, your life is just done, a done deal. I feel now is my time to fight for myself, to become. Then it will be too late. Done deal.

I don't know. I have to find a way to breathe because now I feel mostly like my entire body is trembling. This entire day I felt it. My body trembling and I cannot make it stop. Your heart aches, and you feel there is something in the future, you do not know about, but something that scares you in the now, unknown.

I will be okay. Life, life, life just like waves in the sea. Some are bigger than others. Harder to handle. Oh please, God, I need some calm waters for a minute, I need to find my voice. To feel I am in control, I am proud, and happy to be handling something, to feel I have some certainty. I will give it all. all I have, all I am. I love you, and I believe in you. You will do it all.