The Fab 4 of hell.

I’ve always had two disorders that controlled me, held me back, and caused mayhem in many forms in my life. It was and still is hell, only now I have two more to add to the pile of misery and psychological torment.

I find the older you get or the more you’ve lived and been through chaos or darkness that challenges you, the more issues will arise. It has sadly occurred to me.

I’ve always shown signs of OCD, and I've always joked that I had OCD tendencies but never thought I fully had them. I was wrong, and this makes a lot of sense going backwards in reflection of my life.

I’ve always shown signs and assumed I had a form of PTSD, but it was never diagnosed. I refuse to diagnose myself, as it’s dangerous and stupid. I'm a former psych major with degrees but I refuse to do such a thing.

The PTSD was diagnosed around the same time, if not earlier, as the OCD. I’m only in midlife and now have four disorders that are constantly fighting with one another.

It used to be just the two of them playing chess with one another, and I did not know who was winning. It varied upon the day. Now, I realize they might have always been there dueling it out, but the newer two weren’t as pronounced as the two mainstays.

It’s pure hell for anyone who knows of such things. It’s bad enough having type 1 bipolar, aka "the big one" or "the horrible big one," of anxiety from GAD, or generalized anxiety disorder, which very few talk about and rarely seem to understand.

Many naively and foolishly call GAD regular anxiety. It’s so much worse and so much more layered. It's a constant hell and controls everything you do or will do. Throw in the bipolar and it's clash of the titans.

Now I have two more added to the fray, and I’m finally close to ending it. This is dark and honest, but it pleases me. Finally! I am finally so gone and so spent in trying to better or fix myself with doctors that are clueless. They rarely listen, and their arrogance knows no bounds.

Meds that gave me brain damage and caused the OCD to spiral out of control Enough. I am almost in what I call the Robin Williams zone, where I don’t give a fuck anymore.

I am so detached some days that I could literally kill someone or dream of it and say, "Hmm, which one was it?" I’ve done ECT because medications don’t work on me anymore, and that’s what one does when they do not.

Hundreds are always there for it, too. For me, it just didn’t work. A guy had to try. I did. What’s left? Sadly, nothing, as I’ve inquired. Any witch doctors or shamans worth contacting?

That zone is growing closer and expanding. I wonder how long it will be before I jump in or say fuck it like Robin did and finally end the pain. Honestly, I could use the rest.