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I want to be a girl so bad but I feel like a boy. I was born a female and just I feel so uncomfortable with being in a female body. almost everything about being born female makes me uncomfortable. Anytime I have a pysical at a doctors office and they need a urine sample I get bad panic attacks to the point i feel like i cant breath. I almost got sent to the hospital because of it. The thought of OBGYN/gynecologists give me panic attacks. When my sister was talking about how she needed a pelvic exam at MEPPS to become a Marine i got a panic attack and I wasnt the one getting the exam. I know if i was a boy, in a boy's body i'd feel somewhat more comfortable with myself and identifying as a male would make me more comfortable but I just cant bring myself to do it. All because i know no one will see me as a real boy. They will all remember me as a girl and im so tired. Im so tired of constantly having to correct people when they use she/her on me that i just gave up. Ive already tried being genderfluid, ive already tried being bigender. Nothing works. The only reason why i want to stay being a girl is because i was identifying as a girl in 2019-2021. Im so stuck in the past that im trying deperatly to do anything to relive it. Most guys are all straight and wouldn't want to date boys. I want to be a girl because i want to fit everyones type. I want to fit everyones standards. But I know im too ugly to ever be anyones type. I want to be a girl so people can take pity on me when im on my period because i feel its the only attention i will ever get. I want to be able to see the happy look on my dream husbands face when i tell him im pregnant. To hear him get excited about him being a dad even though i dont want kids. But I know if i ever become a boy none of that will ever happen. My dream to be the prettiest girl will never happen. All of this only started because my mom made me feel like i could never express myself. I forced myself to stay a girl and pushed down the feeling of being a boy ever since i was 6 to when i was 14. During freshman year i finally "excepted" myself for who i "was". When the trend to be LGBT was a thing and most cis/straight people got bashed for being straight also scarred me. My brain is now stuck into thinking if im cis and straight its weird and "not the trend". I cant even describe how i feel anymore because i feel so much that i cant even put it into words. My desire to be a girl has ruined my progression into self acceptance. I no longer feel comfortable as anything even though i know i'd feel comfortable as a boy. But when i try to identify as one i go back into pushing it down because i want to be a girl. I know no one can help me. No one understands me. I will forever be uncomfortable. I will never accept myself. It hurts so much. I know that no matter what i try to do it wont work. I just want to feel comfortable again. I just want to feel happy with being a boy because i know that its what i feel comfortable as. But anything that will trigger any sort of memory from 2019-2021 will bring me back into this feeling. And I cant avoid what triggers it. I cant stop thinking about it. Killing myself feels like the only way out of this problem and the other million problems i have. I am a firm believer im reality shifting and subliminals but im just to exhausted to even try using those to help me pick what gender i should be. If i try to use subliminals to be a girl i end up not feeling comfortable so i move on to trying to use a subliminal to shift myself into a reality where im a cis male but i end up wanting to be a girl so i just go back to using subliminals for girls and then im back to feeling uncomfotable and the cycle repeats. Its a never ending loop. I know nothing will ever get better for me. No ones gone through this. No one can help. Nothing can help. Im just stuck. Im forever going to be alone. Im never going to feel comfortable. It hurts so much.
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Hey. I'm FTM. Though, my experience isn't too different. I know how overwhelming it is. I go through it every day. I don't want to be a woman, but the misgendering, the harassments, dysphoria, the... man. Everything. I get it. And you aren't alone in that.
Be yourself, naturally. As we trans people are doing our best to be in a world like this.
You don't have to call or label yourself as anything, or do anything at all to be seen as valid. Unfortunately, not all people have that premise of mentality.
But I promise, there are accepting and understanding people out there,
who would love to get to know the real you. The person you are when you are alone.
The thing about certain trans experiences is that it isn't the same for each person.
It's okay to detransition. You're still cool. You're still my friend.
The point is to express yourself. Nothing in life is set in stone and we are ALWAYS discovering something new about ourselves. I know what it's like to not be able to express yourself. You'll find someone who you can express yourself with soon. No filter, no nothin'. All that matters is your heart to them. We are bound to find that one person. Stay encouraged.
ReplyAlso, you may be experiencing Gender Dysphoria, though, there's other types of dysphoria as well. You described how you were feeling and it linked to what dysphoria felt like for me. This can be treated in different ways and it starts with speaking to a psychologist about it. So, there is hope you can get the support that you need. Take care.
ReplySorry, meant Body* dysphoria.
Reply