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I had an abusive boyfriend on and off in school, during which time I was also raped, and then I stupidly married the abusive boyfriend. Anyway, we divorced years ago at which point all my bottled up stress, trauma and everything else came boiling over for the first time. I've gotten through so much of it thanks to the help of my now husband, but God I must be such a disappointment to him romantically.
I'm not good at expressing my emotions like he is, where he can write personal cards to me for birthdays, holidays and anniversaries and I have to find a card that already says it for me and I just sign it with a heart. He wants to cuddle and talk about always being together and how he knew he loved me straight away...and I don't know how to respond the same way even if I share his sentiments. And oh the nights in bed... I know he has had some adventures in the past, and I just cannot give him more of those, I'm too scared. I'm just plain and boring. I still have panic attacks no matter how much I trust him and enjoy being with him and know he has never complained, made fun of me, or hurt me.
I'm writing this in tears after I wanted to initiate some time together, we were ready to settle in, and then I bumped him in a way that made me jump a little and it was instantly over for me. I froze up from the sudden movement, I'm glad the lights were out so he didn't see me start crying from worry, embarrassment, disappointment, shame...I just told him I suddenly had some anxiety and didn't want to start anything on a crappy note, I loved him, and we said goodnight. Why? Why, I was the one stating it, I know he has never and would never intentionally hurt or scare me, it's been years since anyone hurt me, I tried to talk myself through it to just continue and it didn't help, why...
He deserves more than me. I feel like I have to be a chore.
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I can feel you. I know how past trauma affect your future. I have been through some shits too. You don't need to feel ashamed because of that.
ReplyYou're still working through it. It takes years for trauma to heal. You'll get there eventually. <3
ReplyYou're husband loves you and knows he is lucky to have you. You are not a chore, be gentler to yourself dear and allow yourself the time you need to heal. And it will take time, its okay. Don't get frustrated with your fears and anxieties it is completely normal. I definitely recommend you talk to your husband about how you are feeling, if he understands how you are feeling, then he can support you like I'm sure he would love to. And then the two of you can work through this together as a team.
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