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I look happy on the outside especially in school but when I'm home, I cry and cry, for so long, I think about how my parents would feel if I died, my head would have little clips on how everyone would think of my death, I don't do this for attention, I do it so I can see that they care, and I've been dreaming about me dying and thinking about it a lot, I've wanted to die so when my parents would get mad at me because I wasn't good enough, I would scratch myself, bang my head on the floor/wall, fill the sink with water, and put my head in it, and try to hold my breath, I would at times, hold my breath and lay upside down so my blood reaches my head and I pass out or maybe die, I've begged for my death, for all the worst things possible, I hate life, I've stopped eating, I've been losing my appetite, I tried so hard to eat, but I can't, I throw away my lunch, I throw away my dinner, I barely drink water, I'll drink it at school at times, I'll get headaches if I don't drink water, so I have to head to the nurse and they give me water, and they'll watch me drink it. But at school I have to seem like everything's fine, but when I'm home I don't have to say anything, lock myself in my room and cry as much as I want, and think about death, I've also had plans about hanging myself, like if i tied a rope on my ceiling fan and hit the fast button and put my head through it and let my feet fall, done, I'm gone. I've had clips of me taking a knife upstairs and kms before bed, and no one would know until morning, and begging my mom won't check on me. So please I need help I'm not okay. I want to live but at the same time, I really don't want to, I wanna be gone, and finally no one would compare me to anyone else, can't I just be myself?
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I do that too. I've done it since I was a little kid. I've attempted suicide 5 times in the last like 10 years. I'm 31. You need to get help immediately. You need to tell your parents that you need a counselor. If they don't set you up then you need to tell your school. You'll probably need medication. When you do see a counselor, tell them everything. I found out I have schizoaffective type bipolar. And I kinda think having the clips were the start of it. I'm not diagnosing you, you probably have something different. But I wish I wuldve got help sooner because I think I would have done a lot better for myself. Please get help. Don't ignore what's going on with you.
Replyoh girl, you need help, this shouldn't be going through your head, you need to find someone and talk to them, keeping this in isn't really good for you, seek out for help :)
ReplyThe awareness that you are was not born and can't die. You asked for this human life so that you can experience the current and future challenges and the growth that can result when you learn from them. Don't waste this opportunity. When you change your mind (your point of view), reality will follow your lead.
When you expect a crappy life, you ignore or discount everything (anything good) that contradicts this point of view. When you expect a wonderful life, you find ways to gain from the challenges and disappointments that you experience. We always get (but not instantly) what we think about most (the good or the bad). I'll say more if you decide not to give up.
ReplyI remember when I was in high school and I felt the same way. If I could go back and tell myyself one thing is, "It gets better." Don't downplay what you feel at all because it's with reason. A lot of what you're thinking about yourself and life is what a lot of adults actually battle with in life as well. What sucks is a lot of adults when I was growing up always had this mentality that when it comes to younger kids we're just in a "phase" or it's just us "being in our feelings" but that could be further from the actual truth. It seems like you're battling a lot of confusion and deep hurt that's festeringg into your mental and physical health. I truly recommend reaching out to seek some type of release for you whether it's opening up to a friend, a neighbor, or a teacher. I learned that when I get sucked into my mind it's best to get myself out of there and open my heart and mind to the outside world for a bit.
Most people journal, paint, dance, or whatever they enjoy lol to call back their soul to their body. It's okay to feel the way you feel, but just don't lose hope on yourself. When I was coming out of my depression the underlining fact that kept me going was, "I didn't kill myself and that's good because that's one more soul that could share to others battling the same thing that they can win too." Life is so beautiful and I hope you continue on so that you too can help this world in becoming a step closer to a better place.
Much Love! :)
ReplyWhat you're experiencing is very difficult, and I'm very sorry for the pain it has caused you. I can't diagnose you, nor can I tell you how to feel better. I can only say that you should take life in small parts. You should open up to people about the way you feel, maybe they can offer you assistance?
Replyim suicidal myself but urge you to seek help before you do something to yourself. it is hard wanting to be dead but not wanting to have to die. just know that theres so many people wanting to support you and ik it feels meaningless b u arent.
best wishes
ReplyFind someone you can trust. This can be anyone from parents, family members, teachers, counselors, nurses, doctors, etc. It sounds like a depressive state of mind which is understandable due to some life circumstances. Seeking help helps you see the bigger picture, and you come to find out theres a lot of good in the world just waiting for you to see it past the bad times. Help is necessary for you to get to know and understand yourself better. In the meantime, make your own aesthetic and art about your feelings. Remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with the core of you, just old patterns to unlearn, new behaviors to embody and wounds to heal. You are also unlearning generations of harmful behavior and remembering love.
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