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From the second I was born, my life was destined to go nowhere. I wasn't ever meant to be born, and my mother endlessly made sure I knew my existence was a mistake. My dad was insane, volatile, psychotic– any of these words fit fine. I lived in a dumpster of a house with a bitter family. My looks were just average and I found it hard to make friends. I was so obsessed with understanding. I needed to know what everyone was thinking at every second of the day or I would lose my mind.
Often, I would lose my mind and start cutting myself in the shower with ambivalence. I was a cowardly cunt if I didn't go through with it, and an attention-seeking whore if I did. I lost my mind again, looking at the marks I'd left on myself. Now, I was obsessed with a porcelain body and silky face because I wanted to impress the shallow boy I liked.
Then I learned about idols. Living in China, it was only a matter of time until I got to hear about the big shots in Korea. I wanted to be just like them. I wasn't pretty, or good at singing, or even dancing, but this was the first dream I'd ever had since I was born. But I'd be a disappointment to my family, as if I hadn't failed them enough, what is a family anyway? I learned about so many things at that time that I thought would make me happier. I started reading classical literature, and I was so fascinated by it. I loved how miserable everyone was. I especially fell in love with the Russian and Japanese writers. I was entranced by the war and misery and illness and all of it. I learned about time travel, and I vowed to find a way to go back in time and solve all my problems before they could ever happen. Maybe I could have been aborted! That's what I dreamt about in class, never taking notes or heeding to the professor. And hearing about reincarnation for the first time... Oh! The bliss! I imagined being reborn as a beautiful American girl with a rich white husband and a perfect life. 8 heads tall, a curvy figure, blond hair cascading down, a never-aging face... all-natural too. The dream.
With all these new dreams, I was asleep for at least 14 hours each day on days I didn't have school. Surprisingly, I was still working hard at school. I was such a teacher's pet, but I didn't care. I thought that the idea of going to a great college was still in reach. What a joke! I spent all my time after school (awake, that is) studying English and French. I thought I could be someone great. Half of me wanted to become a revolutionary scientist or actress or engineer. I wanted to be remembered for thousands of millennia after my death, like Albert Einstein, someone like that. The other half of me had completely given up and wanted to give in to my hedonistic desires. I thought it might be great to become a prostitute, sleep with ugly men with money and huge dicks, and finally live lavishly, but not quite. I thought those con women were lovely role models. Marilyn Monroe... I thought I could be like her.
Once out of school, I lived my life in total apprehension. I'm of age now, I can finally smoke and drink and have sex like I wished! But that didn't sound right. There was no college for a slab of meat like me, even with great grades. I dreamed of going to a foreign college in France or the United States, but that was laughable. I bought an apartment under my parents' names and sat there for the rest of my life. I eventually ended up going to community college, the greatest shame of my life.
When I turned 20 in 2011, I emigrated to the United States and basked in my fresh new life. I was hired at a computer company, which was headed by a sick man with yellow fever. He told me about how much he "loved Chinagirl pussy", and stupid me, willing to do anything for money, just nodded along. He died of a heart attack a few years ago, and my coworker from Taiwan and I were the only ones laughing.
Laughing, laughing now at my laughable life, where I couldn't be an idol, or an author, or a mother, or a good person. I never felt love, or joy, or appreciation, or wanted. When I die, feed me to the pigs. If they love the taste of my guts, that's all I need.
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Hey I know from your point of view it hasn't been a good life, but from where I am, reading your story, it's really unusual, interesting and even adventurous. You've come a long way, maybe not in the direction you wanted, but it sounds impressive regardless. I hope you continue following your path and maybe one day realize it's been a good story.
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