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I feel like growing up, I've always had to depend on myself in terms of emotional support. Being the middle child and mediator when anyone fights in the family, I grew up thinking feelings and emotions were dumb and shouldn't be expressed at all as it just makes things worst. When I do try to open up, it usually ends up hurting me even more, so I end up not trusting people that easily either.
Fast forward today, I got myself my first serious relationship. We've only been going out for 4 months and a half. He's 2 years younger than me and things have been good but today, I suddenly began thinking about something. For context, he gets jealous easily and I have more guy friends than girl friends, so you can imagine the conflicts that can arise. We've talked about it together on how to compromise with each other and it ended up with me basically just talking less with them and letting them know that my bf is the jealous type (and he said he would try to not be too jealous of my friends)
It was okay at first but today, I kinda felt.. lonely? Most of my guy friends were older than me, I saw them as older brothers because I didn't have one (all sisters and a younger brother). I feel kinda sad that I can't talk to them like I did before. Idk why and idk why I can't just let them go? Is it just me wanting to have an older brother figure in my life to depend on? If I told my bf this I can imagine him saying that I can depend on him, which is true, and I do! But.. somehow it feels different because no matter what I feel the need to be the more responsible and dependable one because I'm older. Aaaaaa idk.
I just wish, I wish we don't have to see gender as such an issue ;w;; or if all my guy friends were girls instead. I really see them as just people and not potential love interests.
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