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Thousand splendid suns. Thousand reasons. And i am not one of them. Like the joker, paint on a smile and off you go, be the version of yourself for everyone else.
Dreams, what are they? Distant memories.
Compromise is what you have become. Not destined for greater things, not loved truly madly deeply. Make believe. Why not. It started that way and so i guess it will end that way too.
Those lost on the way were dear to me, more than i can explain. If only. In some universe. If only. Sterotypes, images, body shape did not define who you were. If only people looked on the inside. Things may have been different. You may have been different.
Our past defines who we are. Our deeds define what we become. Ive always only ever wanted love, to be loved deeply. But compromise is what i have become.
Tears flow endlessly. Some days even they dont remember the reason for flowing anymore. All they know is that they feel the deep sadness within. An ocean, dark abyss of sadness. Capturing my heart, my mind, my body. My eyes ache. My heart aches. But i must go on. Paint on the smile and show the version of myself that everyone expects me to be. No one bothers to look deep inside. No one bothers to see whats behind those eyes.
Spent my life living in the shadows. Always last. Never best. Never looked at as someone who had good taste. All because of sterotypes, body shapes and images. It defined who i was seen as.
Just want to stop. Just want it to go away. Since i was little, i was belittled every day. Made fun of due to my image and body shape. Taunted and shouted at for my body shape. I was never good enough. Never. I tried my best to change. To mould myself into everyone elses ideal. Even then it was never enough.
I am at a loss. I just feel lost. How do i come out of this sadness. How do i feel good? I dont think i ever will. I must go on and paint on that smile to be the version of myself for everyone else. Because i dont matter. I never will.
I am seen but never heard or listened to. I beg but even then i am ignored. Somehow, i am wrong for begging. Somehow, it is me, im the problem. All i ever want is love. All i ever needed is love. Why is that not ok? Why do i not deserve that? Why am i living this life of compromise?
My heart and soul are outside of my body. Inside i am hollow. My heart yearns for unconditional love. I had it once but i was not me. I was not who they wanted me to be. I was never accepted for my true self. I guess i will have to go on, as lonely as one can ever be.
Go on in silence, even though theres a storm inside of me. Paint on that smile, put myself at the bottom of the pile. Live my life for everyone else but me. Not allowed to complain, not allowed to acknowledge my pain. Because i dont matter.
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