I need encouragement

I’ve never felt this depressed in my life.

I’ve been depressed on and off my whole life. At the age of 10, I was threatened to be killed with a knife. That started the first depression. I was a kid. No kid should have depression at the age of 10.

I got better, then at the age of 15 I became depressed again because I had no friends, nobody liked me and my mom didn’t care about me. She would constantly belittle me and I’ve learned now that she’s narcissistic.

Also the pandemic happened when I turned 16, so that didn’t help matters.

Then at 18, after getting better, I became depressed again. This time about college, not knowing what to do became my family doesn’t have money and I couldn’t get a job due to the pandemic so I had no money.

That summer the depression lingered on as I had to deal with my father getting stone cold drunk on some of the most important days of my life (graduation, a speech I presented, my first time selling merchandise for my small business). And then in September he got so drunk that if he drank any more he was gonna die. My mom and I had to stay at a hotel that night he was in the hospital. Also during this time I began having panic attacks. I still get panic attacks.

Present day I begin to learn how to drive. First time I get on the road, I crash the car into a pole. That made my parents so mad, and I felt mad and guilty myself. It wasn’t bad and everybody was ok, but now the bumper of our family car has to be replaced. Again, we have not a lot of money, so this is HUGE.

And it’s stressing everybody out and making everybody unhappy.

Unresolved childhood bullying, the car, the fact that I don’t have a job, money, friends and having relationship issues. It’s all piled up and I don’t really know how to turn this around, and I can say a lot more but I won’t. I’ve never felt so low before in my life.

Can somebody out there relate to me? I really could use some words of encouragement. I don’t know wether or not my feelings are valid.