i don't know

Growing up, I wanted to kill myself. I felt that my entire family hated me and that I was a terrible person. I was always the odd one out. I had 3 siblings and I didn't even feel related to them. I was constantly bombarded with horrific insults and offensive names. I wanted to kill myself because I thought I was terrible. I'm now entering my 20's and am in university and continuing to cope with my growing up. It often keeps me awake thinking about my childhood that was robbed from me. I've just made the dean's list because I have a 4.0 GPA and my dad told me that he was proud of me. The text brought me back to when I was in middle school, stressed about a social-class final I had coming up. We got in an argument over god knows what and he said "I don't care if you fail". I'm sure he's said worse and meaner things to me. But that simple phrase, "I don't care if you fail" has always stuck with me and I don't think I'll ever forget it. So when I look at the text "I'm proud of you", I don't even know how to feel.

I wish I could speak to my younger self. Tell her it's not her fault. That I'm sorry about how she was treated.