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Again with my feelings over nothing. Except it’s not really nothing is it you could never be nothing and the only thing that’s keeping me from falling in love with you is knowing on every level of me that I can’t or I will quite literally be ruined. The me I know and love will cease to exist. And it’s not you fault except for the part where it is but it’s not. It can’t really be on you when you’re either that oblivious to me or that bored of me and that makes it all on me. This nothing we have makes me crazy and I want to be alright with it because I need to be alright with it. Except im never alone. And when I am physically you’re in my head causing feelings that weren’t there months ago. Im disappointed in me I though I was better than this I thought I could be better than this. I hate you except I don’t and because the real words I want to say to you will quite literally hurt me, they will quite literally ruin me, and I refuse to believe that I am that weak I refuse to believe the problem is as bad as it is because I need you. So we’ll just say im addicted to you. And I don’t care that im lying to myself because at least a lie won’t ruin me the way the truth would. Because the truth is you don’t feel the same way and honestly with the way we are just so hot and cold makes my head spin I can’t even keep up with us. Im sorry with this because there is no us we aren’t anything this is nothing. What don’t I understand about that? You could care less about me but im so pathetic and stupid and so damn hopelessly broken I don’t care that you don’t care. I’m no one special to you I never was and I never will be but you mean something to me. Im addicted to you in every disastrous way possible but addicted none the less. I fell for you and im still falling even knowing you think so little to me knowing I am nothing to you. I am pathetic to an agonizing degree that I can barely describe. How hopelessly broken can I be that where you see nothing I see everything and that makes this something
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you really do sound like you’re all over the place. maybe the hot and cold is really confusion.
ReplyThe hot and cold is when they look at me like I matter or when they talks to me like I’m the only thing they want but then at the drop of a hat that look fades and turns into something I don’t recognize and so I wait it out, and eventually the new look goes away and I get back the look that tells me I am something to them and I hear the voice that lets me know they care
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