“Everyday”

A thousand thoughts consume my mind.

I stand staring at the wall.

I sit down my mind is running wild. It does this a lot.

The shower water on the hottest it can be.

It hurts so good.

I feel everything and nothing all at once.

“Why am i feeling this way? I have everything” the thought keeps echoing.

I have no reason to be sad…why am i.

Tears begin to drop from my eyes.

No one can hear or see. The water is a distraction from my tears.

My skin turns red and tender.

It hurts. I like that it hurts.

“Why am i sick” i dont understand how i can be so happy with people but alone i want to slit my wrists.

I’m not sick physically but being mentally sick makes me weak.

Somehow no one knows. How does no one know?

The words once said to me “i think your depressed when no ones watching” i laugh this off.

How does she know? I wonder this to myself for the next 4 months.

I sit in the shower and the hot water no longer hurts. It’s time to find a new way to cope.

I sit in the shower and pull at my hair. I pull were no one will notice. I twist it round and round my fingers till it knots.

I pull at it.

I feel numb again.

“I’m better off dead”

I think of all the ways i could kill myself in this exact moment.

“Drowning or maybe the advil sitting on the counter”

It hits me that my parents would find me.

I can’t do that to them.

I want to die but i dont want to be dead.

I sit on the ground with my knees to my chin for 45 minutes

“Jess what’s taking you so long” my mother knocks

“I’m washing my hair” i say with a crackling voice my throat so dry.

I sit there. Until it feels like i can put my happy face back on.

I stand up, turn off the water, and get out. My legs bright red. The whole bathrooms filled with mist from the hot water. I place my hand on the cold mirror to wipe away just enough to see my face. I look at myself and whimper. I hate her. I hate the girl in the mirror. But no one can know. “I’m happy remember” I remind myself. I try to smile. My eyes almost swollen shut. They are bright red aswell.

“Jess what took you so long” my mother asks as i leave the bathroom.

“I got shampoo in my eyes so it burned and i had to wash it out. Good night mom i love you” i say.

I am happy. I remind myself at least a hundred times before i go to sleep knowing tomorrow this will repeat. It repeats everyday. Every. Day. Is. The. Same.

Jess