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I have been married for two years to a really good man.We met in Africa, he was a tourist and I was just visiting some local sites and we instantly hit it off.Soon after I followed him to Turkey and we got married.We later moved to another part of Europe for another year but now we live in the US.He is not a native English speaker but he does speak fairly good English and sometimes he says things which come off as 'racist'.I personally know him well enough to say he isn't racist and really may be just quirky and unaware of how these things come off but I still feel embarassed sometimes, especially around other black people because I can sense their judgment.I quickly realized in the first few months of us knowing each other that he means well but these other people don't know him as well as I do and after he makes his comments noone wants to get to know him anyway.People in this part of the world are also very alert I think when it comes to stuff about race.Some people have openly told me that it comes off as if he fetishizes me because of some of the things he has said particularly about my skin tone or how he loves how different we are while they were present, to him these things would be compliments and its quite clear to me he doesn't just mean difference in race.I understand that his words and comments especially the ones he makes about black people may come off terribly.In one instance I have been told by my sister that while she was out shopping with him and she wanted to buy some tooth whitening gel he laughed and pointes out to her that the myth that black people or people with more melanin naturally have whiter teeth wasn't true then, honestly I hadn't heard this 'myth' before. It might have been a joke but I know that the fact that he is known for saying things that come off weird might be why she didn't find it funny. I haven't said anything to him before and I am worried that it might be too late now to tell him to ease up on that sort of stuff....I missed my chance when we first met.I had my hair in cornrows and he had told me "I forgot to compliment you on your hair, I never knew that black people could look that beautiful with cornrows." I wasn't having it then but as the conversation continued he later explained that he didn't think anyone could look classy with cornrows even white people.He was horrified he had offended me and his apology felt sincere and I could tell he truly was not aware.In that moment I always feel like I should have educated him a bit more about how his words come across but I went easy on him because he really is a good guy.His family doesn't behave the way he does, maybe because we never got to be that close. Some of his friends in Turkey also had the same sort of ignorant comments. I really don't know what to do.I grew up in africa and have experienced actual racism so I know this is not it but I still feel bad that the friends I have made in the US and family and colleagues find him ignorant, a little racist and weird. He sees it and assumes its because he can be socially awkward sometimes and I haven't really told him its him that they don't like. I can't change that people here are always concerned with being pc but I am not sure how I can make him more socially aware.We are apart these days I'm visiting my family back home and everyday someone jokes about something he might have said or done or his jokes about getting melanin shots or some other and I am horrified. Shame, guilt, sadness, anger, panic, fear.That's what I feel and lately these feelings are getting worse. I grew up in an environment where racists don't hide it so I can't call him racist but he is definitely something.I just fear that if I call him out he will not take it well.
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If he's your husband you should be able to tell him and talk about anything. The sister comment about her teeth sounded more like a compliment like she didn't actually need the tooth paste because they were white as is. I don't think he means harm by his jokes. If they are offensive and hurtful to you he's probably unaware. That's where you need communication. If you want it to change you should probably try to talk to him. If he loves you he will honor your wishes. You both took vows to honor each other right? So you shouldn't be afraid to talk to him he is your husband after all. If nothing else he could keep the jokes to a minimum. Or change the way he jokes keeping race out of it. Take care .
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