Karen’s Rules for Linus

My 7 year old and I were walking Linus. Linus is a 141 pound, Great Dane. He has 3 eye lids and a softball size tumor of fat sticking out of his side. Honestly, Linus was walking us.

I was warned by Linus’s owner, Karen, that we must avoid small humans and all animals. Linus has an adjustment disorder and is “acting out” since the death of his BFF, Lila, another Great Dane and Emily, a racist black chiqwawa.

No tears for Emily.. She was a bitch. She tried to bite me 15 years ago at Karen’s 1st wedding. Emily was a hateful dog. She was racist against black people. No loss.

Adding to Linus’ stress is Karen’s upcoming move to another state. His whole world was turned upside down.

The stress has resulted in biting. Karen conviently “forgot” to tell us that Linus has attacked a few dogs and bitten a few humans (big and small). In fact, my son told me one of the kids from the neighborhood was bit by Linus.

In all fairness, when I put myself in Linus’ paws, I would be stressed the fuck out just having Karen as my owner.

Linus is on A strict program.

Linus is NOT ALLOWED to eat any food except the high end label Karen buys from a privately owned dog boutique. $80 is too much for a bag of dog food.

No HUMAN food.

No EATING GRASS

Linus is prohibitted from eating his food from a regular dog bowl. Apparently, Linus has an eating disorder. I suspect he picked it up from her but I digress. Linus must eat from a “BLOAT STOP PUZZLE BOWL.”

These bowls are about $12. Karen complained that Linus gorges and binges on food. This eating behavior causes Great Danes to bloat more than other breeds. Therefore, he needs this bowl.

Linus also requires 3 scoops of plaque powder in his BREAKFAST meal NOT his DINNER meal.

Once Linus finishes his meal, he must remain alone in the garage for 5-10 minutes. After 10 minutes, Linus is let out to drink some water from a regular bowl. He is allowed less than 10 minutes outside to do his business. Linus is not allowed a water bowl in the house because it’s messy.

Linus is NOT allowed to feel any joy or excitement after a meal. No RUNNING. No HORSEPLAY. No NOTHING because Linus might get gas. “Don’t get him all riled up and excited!” I was told. Basically, FUN is NOT ALLOWED in Linus’ life.

Linus has 5 dog beds, very nice and comfortable beds. Linus’ surroundings are comfortable. They are also boring.

Linus is allowed food, water, and bathroom breaks twice a day. Dull and lonely day after day.

Enter my Adventure Lovin’ Kid.. He and Linus ran so much they both passed out from exhaustion, they missed dinner. Uh Oh. I’ll deal wih Linus’ GAS.