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ive always wrote or typed my feelings and i have been through a lot in my life and feel like it would make me feel a lot better and lift a very heavy weight off my shoulder if i type out all the shit thats happened in my life.
okay so it all started when i was like 6 months old. my mom and my biological dad broke up and my mom met my step dad (i count him as my father since i have nothing to do with my real dad. so when i say dad im referring to my step dad) my grandma kicked my mom out and me and my mom moved in with my dad. i was too young to remember if anything was bad at the time. but i know that my dads parents didnt like my mom or her family. to the point where when my sister was born, THREE YEARS after my mom and dad had been together, my dads mom asked for a dna test because she didnt think my sister was my dads daughter, which she was.
Growing up my dad was very abusive towards my mom.. physical, emotional, mental, and verbal. then my dads parents always treated me different than my sister because they didnt count me as their real grandkid. at one point my dads dad even said " Well (my cousins name) is my oldest REAL grandkid.) being 11 years old and hearing that hurt. it was okay though because i knew that i did have grandparents that loved me on my moms side. i was always closer to them anyways because of how different my dads parents treated me.
then when i was 12 my mom died in a car wreck. after this my life honestly went to shit. my grandmother tried to get custody of me and my dad didnt let that happen then kept me from my moms side of the family for 2 years. in those 2 years i went through some of the worst things ever. my dad who was supposed to be my protector and was supposed to love me and never hurt me started abusing me. It started off just verbal. then it started to get physical. we had a babysitter who moved in with us and lived with us for 2 and 1/2 years. she saw everything. but she wouldnt ever do anything to stop it. she would walk away.
me and her started doing drugs together. i was 12 years old and had been through and done more things than some people do in a lifetime. i was smoking weed everyday, getting drunk all the time, and even some harder drugs i dont wanna talk about. they were the only things that helped me keep my mind off of the hell i was going through at home.
my dad was barely ever home, but when he was i was scared. everytime he beat me i was left with welts up and down my legs, plenty of bruises, and one time he slapped me so hard when he was wearing a ring shaped into "36" and i had a 36 on my leg for 2 days. after 2 and 1/2 years of hell my babysitter got arrested for stealing money from my dad and she told them everything about the abuse. about a week after her being arrested i got called up to the front office at school one day. it was a child services lady. she asked me all the normal questions like "how are things at home?" and all that bs. my dad had trained me to lie to child services, so i did. until she showed me pictures my grandmother took of bruises my dad gave me. i was a nervous wreck the rest of the day because i didnt know who told cps or if my dad knew. so when i got home that day my dad yelled at me so much more and told me i was gonna go to a foster home and never get to see my family again. i was so scared and was contemplating if i should lie or not. but i knew i needed to get me and my sister out. the next day at school cops came. they brought me and my sister and asked us a bunch of questions showed me the pictures again and i told them everything. then they brought my sister back to the room after asking her questions and told us our dad had been arrested for child cruelty. we couldnt believe it. i finally got out.
then i got to move in with my grandparents. its been a year and a half now. Im happy. but sometimes i get upset. i feel like ive forgiven my dad and i miss him so much. my sister lives with my dads parents and she still gets to see him. i get upset when she tells me fun stuff they do together. then seeing dads and daughters getting along in public i always break down. should i miss him? is it normal? did i even go through a lot? sometimes i feel like a baby and dont think ive been through a lot at all. but then other times like right now, writing it all down reminds me of every little detail. i just need advice. thank you if you read this far. thats my story.
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