My Unsent Letter (Day Zero) This is will be my second time to seek a therapist.

I am drinking tonite to reopen my dark traumatic past and get to the root cause of my inner struggles of life, depression, and sadness. Before I see my therapist, and hoping for a change in life. Tonite, this could be my last drink or process to drink less in the future. Lately, I was doing okay in life. Knowing the up and downs of life development. Because I received my first therapy during my second year of college. As part of my student health service fee. It took me months and accepting some flaws. I became happy and enjoyed life.

But that all changed went covid lockdown began. During covid lockdown, my mind just shut down, my soul lost hope, and finding true love became deteriorated and turned black. Lost my family, friends, and close friends due covid and natural causes. Before the shutdown of schools and other places. I was looking forward and the courage to ask someone on a date or get to know them better. Later on, finding out that person is getting married or not interested, in or relationship. Then, having a mental breakdown from school and finding out my family's dark and shameful secrets.

Even though, things got better or worst in the last three years. But, I still can not over it or let go of the past. I have no one to talk to. Because all my surviving friends and family are busy with their own life with marriage, children, relationships, careers, or cut ties with me.

As for now, although I am doing okay. But, I am afraid that I'll become like a real-life joker. If I don't address my mental struggles. However, I have nine months left to address my issue before I cross the no man's land. I hope I"ll feel better and find someone who accepts me for "Who Am I" before I become someone that I don't want to be.