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When I first met her I was in love. I felt like I could spend the rest of my life with her. In fact, I told my parents and family about her. For the first year, i felt like It was eurporic everything just felt right, even though people werent accepting of our relationship I didnt care. The day we broke up something changed within me, I wasnt the same person i was and I didnt want to admit it. I was angry all the time, sometimes I didnt know if it was angry at the world for the people that didnt accept our relationship or just angry because I thought you liked that. I was just a differet person. There was days when I wanted to be white, live in long island and just be a part of your life. But i never felt the same from you. That summer, I never felt so depressed in my life, I could barely eat I didnt want to talk to anyone and if someone brought up your name I was just ball my eyes out. The break up was definite. I know that the day we exchanged our stuff we left off on a good note and I really had hope that we would see eachother again and we wouldnt just go from lovers to strangers in a matter of weeks. It wasnt until one night I called you, not even 3 weeks after we said our last goodbye. You talked to me like I was nothing, as if we didnt spend 2 and a hlaf years of our life together, almost like I was nothing. Till this day I dont think you apologized the day after because you felt bad. I think you apologized just in case one day you decided to miss me again you could have acess to me. So that your guilty councious wouldnt leave us on bad terms. But one thing I will always be proud of myself for even though I was in the wrong begging for a love that wasnt even recirpotcated or wanted at the time. I was proud that in my last message to you I told you that I didnt feel wanted and didnt feel as if I had any use in thier life anymore. If you want to contact me you always can but this will be the last time I reach out to you. I just know when she read that she laughed. She probably thought that I would text her two weeks later begging for her back and I would wait for her. She sent me a half ass apology, a goodbye whatever you call it. After on the phone sounding like she couldnt give two fucks about me, (till this day I think her friends where with her behind the phone), but to go from that and then on her final message tell me that she will always care for me and that if I needed something she will always be there. I had to admit I laughed too. Looking back at it, I like to add this part of us both laughing becuase I feel like in the moment no one really could see just how delusional they truley sound. Ever since that day, I have to admit I still think about you. I never stoppped actually. Although the thought of you doesnt make me nauseous anymore, I still think about you from time to time. It's just a funny feeling knowing that I am thinking about a person that hurt me so bad as if they where some type of public figure, a God. I think the moment that I let go of that mentality. The one where I thought I didnt deserve you and that you where some higher power. Thats the day i started to heal. It been months now, almost a year and I'm still healing. Im with someone else now, and sometimes I wonder if you are too. Its weird because everyone always says that your first love stays with you even the day of you wedding. But the longer its been since the last time we talked I believe that more and more. Somtimes, I wonder if you agree with that too. I'm a different person now, someone that you never met and I dont think can ever meet. I am starting to become the person that I always thought of being but again when I was with you, you made it seem like I had to be a certain type of person without ever saying it to my face. If you wondering yes, even though I'm with someone else now, I still think about you. I do, I dont think that will go away soon but I hope it does. I still daydream about a day that you would text me to see how I was doing and I send you a dry im good response. I still love you, but I love the idea of what you where and what we had. I dont think I could forgive you.
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When we first met, I was in love. She was someone that I could genuinely laugh with and get to know without jumping into things too quick. We met during covid and we would spend all night and day on the phone and it came to a point where I felt like I knew someone more than I knew myself. The day we broke up I knew that wasnt going to be the last time. Couples say they break up all the time but never do. All my friends break up with their boyfriends but always get back together. God she looked so beautiful when she was laying at my dads backyard. I knew I made that the wrong decision but she seemed so set on it, she was hurt yet there was no tears. She didnt wanna talk to me even tho we where at my dads house after we had just broken up. But I thought it was fake. As the week went on we texted like normal, until one day she said she didnt want to. That if were going to be broken up we have to act like it because she cant act like shes in a relationship when she isnt. From there on I still cared for her, I started telling my friends and they where shocked but also excited that I was going to be the same person I was before her. How I am when I'm single. When she begged me to meet up that one day to exchnage sttuff and tell me to go to mexico, I was not in favor at all. In fact that was the last thing I wanted to do. But after wards I felt so much better, I hate to admit it but she was right. I felt like there could be a chance after we got to know ourselves without eachother we will eventually find our way back. A couple of weeks went by and I started going out almost everyday, trying to forget her and what she was doing on vacation. I started meeting new people even kissed a few, and I liked it. I know my friends did they thought I was back to my old ways. The night she called me i was out, I had to go to the bathrrom and whisper, I was tired and she kept on sounding crazy begging me to stay with her and that she missed me, but I didnt. It felt so easy not being arond her not being with her. I couldnt care less about how she felt. No matter what I said she always puts it in her own narrative so how could I fight her on that. After two hours of her just crying and trying to munipulate me I went to sleeo happy. The next day however, I woke up with regret. I texted her telling her that I dont know what overcame me but I will always care about you and that if you needed anything I'll be here. I think I meant it. However, this wasnt the same person on the phone. We both woke up two different people that day. I woke up like shit and felt like the worst person in the world, and she woke up with a new mindset, healed almost. I remember when she told me that she is done contacting me I laughed but i know she did too but I said I still cared after last night I couldnt even answer that question. I dont think about her that often, I just wonder if shes okay, if she still thinks about me. I know that I loved her but I know she wont be the last.
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