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I have not written on here in a long time. That was mostly because I thought I was getting better. Turns out, I was just ignoring it the prevailing emptiness that can only be seen in my moments of internal agony, when the heart that lost meaning in its beating feels crushed.
For years now, my goal has been to improve myself both on a personal and spiritual level. I have done a significant amount of reflecting on the past I had built out of mistakes. I do acknowledge that there were decision I made and things I did that were the right choice. However, I do not know how much I have improved over these past few years, since I swore that my life was not one I would ever take. I know that life is precious, but mine feels hollow.
So, instead of taking my own life, I want to find myself in a situation where I can lay down my life for those I love. I want to die for those who have given even the smallest semblance of meaning to my life.
I know there is a possibility that those I am willing to die for may mourn me, thus implying that my dying for them would them, but the upside is that they would no longer have to put with my mistakes. And I would longer find myself drowning in despairing thoughts as I attempt to fill a void of social ambiguity. I either try for something I do not understand, or surrender to the emptiness so that the pain is a steady flow in place of a crashing wave.
My favorite word in the English language is "Honor." I do not have confidence that I have lived an honorable life. Should a situation present itself where my death will help those I care about, at least I can believe my death will be honorable.
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In English, it's actually honour. Honour the English language.
ReplyThe OP was speaking in terms of American English ;) have a good day!
ReplyThe fact that you are still here is honorable. You are still here because you are strong, you are brave, and you are defiant. You can do this.
Reply