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BF messaging a female coworker about her relationship with his husband
1 year ago · 1 · Relationship Issues, +4
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just want to have any insights about this..I happen to read a message replying to a myday by my bf to a female coworker asking if she was being cheated on by his husband or if she was replaced.. Earlier I also happened to read message before him asking as to why she is not present at work..Considering they are not in the same department and she was not one of his agent..i asked him about this and he just said it was nothing to have a fuss with..I said i think it was not normal and im not comfortable about it..He got angry and said i was just being jealous..am i really?
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2 things here and both of them redflags and an additional one being not.
1: "I can save you" complex
some guys cannot help themselves about someone else's crisis in life. There's this possibility he doesn't feel anything bigger towards her, mostly a sense of worry and an urge to help her get out of that situation or help her sort her ideas out and finally end what seems to be a toxic kind of marriage... the downside is that they can become too much invested and sometimes it can bring so much trouble that could've been avoided.
2: He has feelings for her and can't help to be involved and you're on "standby" until.
They don't work desk to desk with each other but probably they've met trough the lounge room or during their breaks. He may be feeling something for her but can't pass over the fact she's married (hence he being pushy about her situation with her cheating husband) also, they work in the same place (office affairs and gossip may bring trouble to peoples position and depending on the gossip you boss may fire them to avoid any further drama or to avoid a possible problem that may bring) he may be trying to settle her issues before trying something with her and break up with you afterwards, so may be keeping you around until that as a scapegoat (The girl and him date, he breaks up, in case they don't he will continue the relationship with you).
3: Nothing at all, they're good friends and he's worried.
may be her husband is abusive, may be he noticed something is off, may be something happened... trusting your partner is hard and challenging specially having different types of schedules and job and different friends.
Also, to add:
Try to recall the way you confronted this situation. For you it may seem an innocent thing to do but going trough someone else's belongings without their consent is wrong. Even if you're a couple there must exist a private area for both parts to exist and to do activities as separate beings. Ask yourself if you wouldn't feel a little angry if he comes up with something he searched trough your stuff and picked something without understanding the context.
And most importantly the way to talk about the situation. Corporeal language and the voice volume and assertiveness in speaking are something to be cautious because you may hurt your partner and cause distrust in the relationship.
That said, still be aware of over reactions in general and defensiveness from your partner over that topic. If you try to talk it or to bring it in order to receive a little explanation about why he's concerned and how may you help him, and he still lash out on to you and call you jealous without further explanation, he's definitely hiding something.
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