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I don't think he ever really loved me.
Because now he wishes me harm. Cursed me broken bones and illness.
I never wished harm would come to him. Not even when he tormented me with his demands to make him my priority, to be his woman against the world, to consume his beliefs, to fear his jealousy and insecurity.
I had loved him. I was loyal. I was willing to be his caretaker and his provider and his everything. I just needed his unconditional acceptance and love...but that was too high of a price for a selfish man to pay. Or maybe it is too high of a price for anyone to pay- because I suppose I couldn't afford it for him either.
I don't think he ever really loved me. I think he loved the way I gave. Loved the idea of a wife. Loved how I adjusted to him the way water forms the shape of its vase.
Now that I'm not his, he has shown me his true colors: how he treats people that doesn't do what he says; how he treats people who don't believe what he believes. It was there all along, but he had kept it hidden knowing I wouldn't like what was there. Or maybe I just didn't want to dig too deeply, wanted to be in denial of his judgment and sharp edges...
I'm not in love with him anymore, but even so- he cuts my heart and I have to pretend that it doesn't hurt. I wish I didn't care about his wellbeing, that I wasn't sympathetic to his hardship. I want my friend back.
But I suppose he was never a real friend or lover. Because how could someone who truly loved do what he does and say what he says? It tells me...that he never really loved me.
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This Q is for any man u meet.
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