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And just like that, in a minute, I will turn 24, I am watching the clock intensely, wondering if I’ll notice a difference within myself, oh it just turned 12.
I feel the same.
I guess after a certain age your birthday really doesn’t matter, people say it’s your 21st and it all goes downhill but I can’t remember the time I had a pleasant birthday, I can recall crying on every single birthday of mine since I was about 10 years old, maybe even younger but I’ve blocked out most of my childhood memories and can’t remember past 9 anymore.
Something about birthdays have always made me sad, even when I was younger I always felt very nostalgic of how old I am becoming, another year, another notch on my belt. I don’t feel nostalgic right now, I feel despair, I am now a year older, I’m close to joining my mid 20s, I am no longer protected by the luxury of youth and being told I’m young and that it’s still okay that I’m still figuring life out, that I still don’t need to have anything figured out. But now I do, now I’m at the age where I should be working towards larger and substantial career goals, I should have a clearer career path set up for me. I should have more wisdom, more clarity, more experience, more confidence and certainty. But I’ve lost all of it, it must have stayed in my younger years, I’ve left them behind in my earlier 20s I suppose. I feel as if I have nothing to show for being 24, I haven’t accomplished anything that I dreamed of when I was a young girl. I thought by now I’d be a millionaire, I’d be the youngest ceo, I’d be on Forbes 30 under 30. Now I look to all the empty promises my younger selves made to me, and I’m angry for them for even putting so much pressure onto me, they of all people should know how difficult it is for just to even survive, to wake up, to get out of bed, to not swallow the bottle of pills I’ve contemplated swallowing almost everyday since I was a child. I don’t understand why these immature versions of myself would set such unrealistic expectations for myself when I know who I was, how I was. I fear I was stronger then, trauma rolled off me like water off a ducks back. I had it, but I was able to move past it. Now I’m just sitting with it, never really being able to stand.
I feel as though I’ve lost my charm, my wit, my intelligence, my strength, and my very being, my soul if you will. I wonder if I was a fool to even believe in myself or if I’m a broken woman who has let the greatest version of her simply shrivel up in front of her and die.
I wonder if this is who I am now, if this sadness that looms above me has ingrained itself into a new personality. At least I know how to objectify myself when I go out to the clubs and now am a desired object. When I was younger all I thought I was missing was men wanting me, now all I am missing is myself.
I fear I will never be whole, never understand or comprehend joy, and that I will be stuck in this mundane and blustering cycle of inquiring why I am doing this to myself, living, what is the point when we have seen time and time again there is none, no point of loving all these people, places, and things when it’s all temporary and will be gone within the blink of an eye.
Why do I live when even on my birthday where I turn a year older, I think if the pain I’ve felt in the somewhat but not entirely short life I’ve had the misfortune of living, and I think about how much more excruciating, gut wrenching, soul crushing, heart breaking sorrow I will be feeling and experiencing until I am finally put out of my misery.
I am indebted to a life a pain it seems.
This is agony. This is 24.
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You write some truths. However, it is never too late to change your story. You can even start today.
ReplyYou've set up this notion that you have to have everything together by a certain age.
You are 24 and have barely started your life... While some at your age may have knowledge they lack wisdom and discernment.
Life is far from over so what do you do now ?
You set new goals. You develop new roadmaps. If something doesn't work you pivot and try again.
Many older and troubled individuals before you have completely rebuilt and redefined themselves. You can do the same.
Reply