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I really need to be able to just vent. I thought about writing my feelings in one of my notebooks but I don't want anyone to find it because it's private. Of course, it doesn't matter at all if random people on the internet read it because none of you know who I am and you're all most likely on here for similar reasons to myself, you're in a dilemma.
All I seem to do is watch everyone I went to school with getting houses, families, good jobs and going out with their plethora of friends and going on holidays. Meanwhile, I wasted 7 years of my life from the age of 19-25 working a dead end school cleaning job where I made no real friends and was ultimately looked down upon by all the snobby teachers. To make matters worse, I went through multiple bullying ordeals there which eventually resulted in me losing my job for no reason, just because they could so the new rough bitch of a supervisor could shoehorn even more of her family into my job and my Dad's.
It has now been 2 years and for some time, I believed I had bettered myself in life because I started working in the events industry, and it was much more my cup of tea, giving me the self esteem I had never felt cleaning and allowing me to meet plenty of new people. It was only agency work and didn't come full time but just for a week or two a month I felt like someone. I think what has now come along and destroyed my confidence once more is the fact that last month should have been my busiest month on record but it wasn't.
The boss sent a jotform for us all to fit in with all the dates on and I ticked every one. I then wrote each date in my diary but couldn't understand why I haven't been getting the jobs, so I emailed the boss and asked her if there would be any work for me as I had reserved the dates for her in my diary. Her attitude towards me seem to change and I felt an air of superiority it was like she was looking down on me and treating me like some kind of fool, who shouldn't have expected to be given these jobs. She more or less told me that the older members of staff that had been there longer than me had been given priority because they had done these particular events on prior years. I didn't think that was fair at all because she should've been giving me a chance. So considering the entire month was chockablock with work, you would've expected that myself, a hard worker would have at least got a weeks worth of work, but I got absolutely zero which begged the question had my previous employers been in touch and put down some kind of false poison about me down?
This events work is my only job at the moment and my only income. I am lucky to have £200 a month worth of benefits to top me up when things get as dire as they have but even as a cleaner doing 5 hours a day weekdays, I would get about £1000 a month. My self esteem is completely scarred. I am starting to believe that perhaps a therapist could help me with all my self doubt and how stifled I'm feeling living at home with my parents in a vile house full of junk that just keeps growing by the day. I think deep down in myself, I somehow feel too worried to step out of my comfort zone for fear of being judged or mocked and I don't know why I make myself feel that way. All people must be doing behind closed doors at least is judging and mocking me now for my lazy, good for nothing way of life.
I've always wanted to do something for work that is not the norm and involves creativity. Singing is something I love to do and when I go online and live stream myself singing to a load of complete strangers who praise me for my looks and my voice, my confidence becomes restored little by little.
My Dad has just come upstairs and told me my Mom wants me to come downstairs and "do some stuff". This has made me feel a burning sensation of annoyance because it's the epitome of why living at home at 28 makes you feel like you're still 8. You shouldn't have to feel like you need to spend time with your parents 24:7 and you should be able to just sit in your room for as long as you want, getting all the frustration of life of your chest to an internet forum. It's this feeling of constant edginess and the neediness of them that I feel can stifle the creativity inside of me. I don't want to even start doing something because all I ever get is questioned about what I'm doing, why I'm not doing something useful and productive to "sort the house out" when it is both of them that are the problem with the house. They both went to the charity shops today and I'm in a mood because they bought yet more junk. I am literally suffocated, there is a weight on my heart and mind.
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There are people who clean out homes of hoarders if your parents will let the junk go. Your last job and this one don't suit you so look for another job as you need to have one where you are appreciated for your work. Best of luck.
ReplyMy Dad would never allow that. He thinks everything he has is valuable. Thanks for the advice, I still haven't but until I do, I won't be satisfied.
ReplyHey anon,
Times are a bit different economically and i'm sure you've felt the squeeze. For a while now more and more people have been having to move back home. It definitely sucks but we are all feeling recessionary effects someway or another. Not all of us are fortunate to have the skillsets to meet the shifting demands.
But don't give up on continuing to build those skills. Keep grinding, keep searching, and with some time you can improve your situation.
ReplyHi, I have just come on here after so long and forgot that people could actually reply to my posts! Thanks for the vote of confidence.
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