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When I was in middle school I was heavily bullied for being the uglier twin. I have a twin who is one minute older and during our middle school times, she was known as the more beautiful one. To put into perspective, I was not able to take care of the features on my face. I did not know which hairstyles suited me and I was very skinny. I was 110 pounds at the time and suffered with my body and face image. I always had veins popping through my head or this one slight line on my left cheek that I felt indicated the loss of my weight. For my whole 3 years in middle school I was afraid to express my true identity due to the opinions of others and "copying my sister." I liked the things she did but I also liked adding my own twist. One day when I had expressed myself even in the slightest bit, by having my hair out with barrets in, a boy had walked past me and told me, "Hey no shit (to make fun of my name), why are you trying to copy your sister?" Since I was the uglier twin I used to get shit-full remarks like, "Are you lesbian,?" "Omg is that a boy?" I could not even go into the women's restroom without someone wondering if I was a guy. I'd have 'friends' who told me they hadn't liked my presence and I knew it was all in the factor of my sister being more liked rather than me. It was okay though. I had accepted that for those three years of my life and I was immune to the comments about me. However, when the pandemic hit I was stuck at home. I had no phone at the time so I did not communicate with anyone from middle school. I was all by myself, with no one's shitty remarks but my own. I felt free and I wanted to make the changes that I was feared of doing before. I started slowly by having my hair out, and then I relaxed into who I am today. I found my facial features, went from 110 to 134 pounds, gained the body and face positivity I always desired, and found the hairstyles that suited me. Once I hit Freshmen year of high school, guys, for the first time, flocked over me. This sudden change surprised me as I thought I would go through the same experience. As much as I did my best to avoid it, I was still cautious and prepared myself for the commentary I'd receive. To my surprise, none of that happened. Me and my sister were known to be the prettiest twins ever laid eyes on in our school. Our presence was known. Regardless, I did what I always did. Focused on my studies, never fell in the wrong crowd, and loved my stupid hobbies like making jewelry, watching anime, reading mangas, playing games. I knew I was still a kid at heart and that was my only wish. To stay happy doing what I loved. During my second year of high school, that is when opinions started to shift. Even gaining the confidence within myself, I had always seen my sister as beautiful and more voluptuous than me. This was the year when I found out the complete opposite. My whole life I was blinded by my sisters attractiveness and charisma that I hadn't even realized my own. Since my sister started to gain a little bit of acne during this time, people opposed her face. I did have few spots here and there, but over the summer before 10th grade I started to take care of my face and now my skin has definitely been the dream that I desired for it to look like. I realized people had preferred me but I knew it was only by my looks. I know that many of the people I talk with currently would never care to be friends with me if I continued to look the way I did before. I still have the same interests as my old self just with a different face. I know my face is preferred more but I know my sister is liked more. I've always thought that her existence and company was well appreciated. But I can't really blame anyone but myself. I don't use any social media, I rarely get anyones contacts and when I do, I barely text. My sister uses social media to communicate with others and even though I could make an account, I just haven't felt the need to. I always liked talking in person more and I've never gotten the desire wish to continuously text people. Conversations are suppose to make you feel livid in person so, that is the reasoning on why I talk a lot since I am technically sheltered in when Im home. I also have really strict parents and I've never hanged out with friends unless if it was secretive after school. I feel as if my thoughts and expressions will never go clear into peoples head. That I'd always have to live with the burden of never having a best friend ever once in my life. All these thoughts always relocate my mind at night which troubles my sleep.
Any comments and advice are well appreciated. Thank you.
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I wouldnt say its positive or negative, or I would say its both. Its got its ups and downs I suppose... I'm glad your not feeling overshadowed anymore tho!
ReplyThank you for taking your time and reading this, it means a lot<3
ReplyThese thoughts are troubling you at night because this is a habit you have got into. When you are tired enough to sleep turn relaxation music on and lie down. Then while breathing deeply slowly relax yourself all over starting from your toes, then feet, ankles, lower legs, thighs, hips, stomach, back, chest, shoulders, upper arms, forearms, hands, fingers and thumbs, neck, jaw, face and head.
Then imagine yourself floating along a river on a raft with bushes and trees along the banks. Push all interfering thoughts out of your mind as you do this. If you keep doing this every night the troubling thoughts should eventually stop.
ReplyThese are not the only thoughts that trouble me, I tend to get distracted easily since my mind can not focus. I try to stay optimistic as I can but throughout the night is when all those negative thoughts rush out me. Thank you so much for the advice. I smiled so hard reading this because it is the best piece of advice I have gotten so far with my troubled sleeping.
I will try this tonight, thank you.:)
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