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I grew up in an environment that resembles hell; family and social pathology, a third-world-like society that feels like we're all in a damned Ark heading towards the abyss. Feeling terrifyingly worried about my surrounding, I've developed this tendency to prioritize others before myself to the point that even after being betrayed I still refuse to not sticking myself to values that I suspect as rather pseudo-altruistic, if not a syndrome that points to heroism, or other similar labels; that happens to benefit many things and many people, but at the same time holding myself with those who I should've left and moved on from. It's not nice to feed a wolf after it ate my leg, just because I'm aware it's in their nature and that I have the power to reduce the sum total of suffering.
But deep within, I still have a vivid glimpse of what I want, what experience I want to venture into, what beauty I want to explore, and what place and space I'd like to pursue to be in for its potential aesthetic—but all this innate wanting is constrained, caged, bordered, labeled as blasphemy towards whatever ideal my ego happens to worship. I want to be free from this limitation, but I still want to feel the valor of maintaining such ideals.
I'm 23 this year, I think this is going to be a major crossroad in my life. If I fail to balance between mercy and justice in regard to how I live with others, I'd be a peculiar being devouring myself out of my bent conception of what mercy is. I can do this.
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While you don't need to give up on certain ideals you must be more discerning on who you help. Not everyone is deserving of your time and you are on the path to developing a savior complex.
Wish you the best in getting that sorted out.
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