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I (20y.o. F) got pregnant at 18 and had my kid a couple of moths after I turned 19. I've basically had to do everything on my own when it came to my kid. Now don't get me wrong I absolutely adore my baby but sometimes I really don't want to be his mom. Like to the point where I've thought about putting him up for adoption... and he's 1 going on 2. I was never ready to be a mom. I think I've always had maternal instincts but it's nothing I wanted this soon. It has nothing to do with my baby or anyone and all to do with the fact that I was never ready. Some days I spend the whole day thinking of what I would be doing if I wasn't a mom. I loathe the fact that my son's dad can do whatever he wants whenever he wants and has no other responsibilities. He doesn't provide financially anymore and I'm debating putting him on child support. I don't wanna be the typical "bitter baby mama" but I'm running out of options. He doesn't even keep him for a couple of hours so I can get a break. I wish there was an off switch for motherhood, because this shit is A LOT. I don't regret my baby, but I do regret having him so early. I wish I had the time to explore and the time to find myself and build my confidence. I missed out on so much because I became a mom, and now I beat myself up sometimes because I feel like i'm failing as a mom. I just wish I could have been prepared and mentally and emotionally ready. His entire first year was a blur because I was on autopilot most days. Nothing happened the way I wanted and needed it to and it tears my nerves up sometimes because a lot of shit that's happened could've been avoided if i would have just listened. but i pick myself up by my boot straps and keep pushing because that's what's gonna get me through the day and what's gonna make me a better mom at the end of the day. All i want now is to just be the best mom to my son that i can be and then some.
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You need to find yourself a baby sitter so that you can go out now and then to enjoy yourself, or at least join a young mother's group where you can all support each other. Maybe do both.
ReplyI understand not wanting to be the typical baby mama, but it’s like that for a reason. A child is the responsibility of both parents, not just a mom or dad. If you take it to court or have child support enforced, you have every right for financial support and ( if he’s any kind of man) will help raise his child. I understand your struggle, I was a single father of 5 kids ( I got custody) so I understand the need of a break. I hope you get the help and support you need. Hugs
ReplyI think it's completely normal to feel this way at times. I had my first child at 20. I had no home of my own, no job. I ended up going back home to live with my grandparents who supported me at the time. After having my son, we moved around a lot due to a lot of reasons. Almost every day I felt like I failed him. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of not being able to provide for him if I gave up. I did what I had to do. He is 7 now and looking back I'm thankful I didn't give up. He reminds me all the time that I'm a good mommy and that I'm his best friend. He has no idea what all he has saved me from just by existing. Being a mother is HARD. No matter if you have no help at all or all the help in the world. If possible, make time for yourself. Even if it's an hour. I promise one day it will get a little easier. Sending hugs
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