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I’m sorry I’ve been pushing you away, I’m sorry I’ve been rude, I’m trying so desperately hard to convince myself these things I feel for you aren’t really there. I tell myself I’m lonely, and you are in my vicinity, and there is nothing else to it. But I think I know that’s a lie. I can’t quite explain what I feel for you, because I am not quite sure. I think I may have always felt it a little, but denied it for so long. It feels like wanting to touch you. It feels like wanting to tell people you’re my boyfriend. It feels like only feeling calm when I’m with you. It feels like only feeling complete when I’m with you. It feels like a punch to my gut when you mention another girl. It feels like wanting so desperately for you to just open your eyes and see me, but at the same time, hoping you never do. It feels like being unsure of where I stand with you. Sometimes the things you say, and the way you look at me make me question whether it’s true. I don’t know how you feel, and I don’t know if it’s changed for you too. We used to be just friends, wingman’s you could say. But something has been different recently and I’m not sure it’s okay. I know it’s not okay, being with you would be wrong. Even if you feel this too, it can never happen. It would hurt someone I care about to deeply. So I refuse to ever kiss you, or allow myself to thing of a world where you could be calling my name. I won’t do this, I won’t betray the people I love because of a stupid boy who has confused the fuck out of me. So I’m sorry I push you away, and I’m sorry I’ve been rude, but it’s so much easier to hate you from a distance than want you from up close.
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