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Today is one of those days where I literally feel like I am drowning. I have the constant thoughts of "Am I a good mom?" "Am I a good spouse?" "Am I a good employee?" Self doubt is crushing me. For the last several months I have been the sole provider for my family of four. It's doable, but it's stressful. I'm working so much more than usual and I'm tired. I'm just tired. It really feels like I have no-one to talk to about any of this. I'm expected to have all the answers all the time, it seems. My anxiety has been crippling. It's like the more hours I pick up at work, the more stressed and tired I am and the more my anxiety picks up. I also feel very unappreciated. Not once, in almost five months, have I gotten a single "thank you" or "I appreciate you" for keeping us afloat. I mean, I'm not doing it for acknowledgement of course, but it just sucks to not feel appreciated. I've voiced this. It's not like I'm keeping my feelings on the topic to myself. But even saying it out loud, nothing changes. I work and then when I'm off I clean, cook, tend to my kids. I feel like my boyfriend could pick up extra around the house since he isn't working, but to him he is doing enough. There are always dishes and laundry waiting on me. Normally this wouldn't bother me. So what, right? But working from 6am to sometimes 8pm kind of sucks when you have to get off and then clean and do laundry too. I never have time to myself. Maybe I'm just bitter right now because I'm so exhausted, I don't know. I just randomly break down and cry a lot now. I'm lashing out at people I love because I'm holding in all the stress and anxiety and I just can't breathe anymore. The more I type here the the more angry I feel and I'm hoping getting it out will do some good.
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You are amazing. That's a lot to do and try to hold yourself together on top of it. I personally think that your boyfriend should at least pick up doing either the dishes or laundry some of the time if he's living with you because I feel like it's getting to the point where you're doing too much! You have done very good, but you don't want to completely burn out and it sounds like you're headed that way, so I think it is reasonable that he at least help out a little some of the days, just so you have a little more time. Like, even if it were only a day or two that he did laundry and dishes, that'd probably be so helpful to you. Personally, I think it should be more, but I know that stuff can be complicated to work out. Anyway, I hope venting did help a little, I hope you find a little time for yourself because it is important, and hopefully it'll help you feel better.
ReplyThank you so much! I do feel a little better since I posted this. I feel like once my boyfriend starts working again, things can kind of go back to normal. Things weren't always like this. We always have shared house work since we both usually work, but it just seems like since losing his job he's just stopped caring I guess. I try talking to him about it a lot but he shuts me out. But it's to a point that now my mental health is depleting and it's like he doesn't care. Or maybe he cares but can't express it. I'm not sure. But since he's shutting me out it's like I have no-one. I don't wanna talk to my family about it because then they will take my side and I don't want them to look at him differently. Same with my friends. I try to keep my relationship issues private. I'm glad I found this site though. Maybe posting just to get it off my chest will help me over time learn to approach things differently. I'm aware that I can be too much when my anxiety is up, which is a lot here lately. I really appreciate your comment.
ReplyYou are very welcome! I'm glad writing here has helped a bit, I also have found it very helpful! It sounds like things will definitely get better, it's just a lot to endure, but it sounds like you're finding some healthy ways to realese. To me, it seems maybe your boyfriend is feeling ashamed for being without a job and definitely that could be disheartening to him, and one reason he's been more closed off towards you. But as you said, much will probably fall back into place when he works again.
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