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A letter to get my thoughts in order. I'm not sure if this will be a letter, or a conversation.
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I am going to try and explain something that I don’t think I have been able to explain clearly before.
At the risk of making this seem bigger than it is, I have two things I ask you to consider as you interpret this.
First, please do not take this as an attempt to distract from my own work, or to excuse my own issues by pointing out yours. This is something in addition to what we have already discussed. I have realised that my anxiety is closely intertwined with my relationship with you - my biggest triggers and the things most impacted are things involving you.
Second, this isn’t about your anger. I am not saying “stop being angry”. I have said this a lot in the past, it is blaming and insulting to you, and it isn’t a solution that will work. It labels you as the problem, when the problem is at least as mighty as yours. You have every right to express anger when you feel it, and you should always be able to express your feelings to me.
I have two main reasons for writing this. One is to be able to manage my anxiety by expressing my fears. I experience my anxiety in a primitive part of my brain, without words or images. The process of understanding my fears triggers my anxiety, and the process of writing this down helps move it from my deep reflexive to conscious logical part of my brain
The other is to ask, on the condition that I can manage my anxiety in other areas, are you willing to work on this conflict with me? I will come back to this question at the end when I have explained what I am talking about.
One of my biggest fears is that you value being right more than you value me. That it is more important for you not to compromise your opinion than it is to maintain a relationship with me. Two words that I think describe you are strong and unbending. You live your values, and I have seen you go through significant emotional pain rather than compromise that. I admire this in you, and am even envious of your strength. I am afraid that you are also unbending with your opinions as well as your values. I am afraid that if I am not the one to compromise you won’t and it will become a perpetual point of unresolved conflict. That we can’t both agree to disagree but remain committed to each other.
From my perspective, if you think you are right you won’t back down - even if that means hurting me. You don’t seem to be willing to say “I’m angry at you but I still love you”, or “We disagree but let's leave it and move on, it isn’t that important”.
I am a conflict avoidant, I will try to de-escalate, make peace to avoid a fight. I do this to a very unhealthy extent. I have been willing to compromise my values to do so. I won’t detail the impacts here but it has contributed to my controlling behaviour, lying, and worse. I have caused you a lot of hurt trying to avoid conflict, and I am not trying to excuse any of that.
This is still from my perspective, but to me I seem to be the one to make up - to make a repair. We have discussed with Nicki that again this is unhealthy, I pursue repair and the reassurance it brings when I should just leave space for emotions to dissipate. I know a lot of that is driven by my anxiety, I am afraid if I don’t make the connection after a disagreement, you won't. In the times where I haven’t tried to patch things up, I don’t remember you coming out to make a repair, you just move past the disagreement and keep going without doing anything to reaffirm the connection we share.
The flip side there has been since we have separated there has been a couple of instances where you were angry about something I did, and I didn’t back down either. These have not escalated and were not issues when we next spoke, but neither is there a romantic connection to maintain.
You have said things that you don’t believe in co-operation, that to compromise with someone is to compromise yourself and things should be done so both people get what they want (cooperation vs compromise).
This is in large part driven by my insecurities. I ask myself ‘What do I mean to Tammy?’. ‘Is this issue more important than me?’. I think a key reason I get anxious is I am afraid that my fears will be confirmed, that it isn't so much the conflict, but fear of finding out that you didn’t care enough about me to just move on. By writing this letter I am risking that rejection, loosening the hold it has over me.
I ask myself, "What did I mean to her?”, “I think she used to care about ne, why doesn’t we value me the way I still value her”, and “When did she stop valuing me”’/
This is an extremely unhealthy and dysfunctional place to me, and to be clear I recognise this is my dysfunction. My dysfunction has exacerbated the problem. Writing this letter is a way to overcome that dysfunction, to put my fears out there and be prepared for an answer I have been hiding from for such a long time.
I will continue to work on my anxiety, and I understand why you are sceptical that I will succeed. But if I do, what then?
For many years, possibly most of our relationship we have had an unhealthy approach to conflict. When was the last time I stood up for something strongly that we had to negotiate the result, and did we negotiate as equals or did I not stand up for my opinion? I think we will both need to learn how to cooperate, and to compromise as healthy humans in a relationship.
This is not something I can change on my own. Is there room for us to both grow and accept this would mean deep change for both of us? I have seen you change and grow in other areas, you are so much more self aware than me. I am growing as a person, into a more emotionally healthy human. I want to meet you there at the end of that journey.
I am not asking you to commit to getting back together. What I am asking is for you to agree to two things.
On the condition that I can manage my anxiety, we can start therapy about how a healthy relationship could work between us, and that you be open to the idea of personal change to achieve that.
Failing that, are you willing to consider any personal change/growth to become a couple? You may feel that you have tolerated far too much and that any relationship would need to meet you where you are, and that any change would be my responsibility.
I am not asking for a commitment to get back together, or asking you to commit to any specific personal change. I believe that in order to build a relationship with someone - anyone, you need to be willing to grow with them. To do that with me now is too big an ask. It wouldn't be healthy for either of us if you were to adjust to my dysfunction - it would break you and it would hinder my recovery. I do want to have a healthy romantic relationship with you as an equal.
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This is well thought out.
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