Traitor

I know there would be issues no matter what I do. A hard, long way. No matter what I do. It's either guilt or more suffering.

I am leaving my country to pursue education. I want to learn and I also understand that I can't stay in the country where war is now a top priority.Where laws want me dead. It's painful to decide but I made my choice already. To go. To leave my family and friends and everything behind just to face more struggles, but at least I would be free this time. I bit fruits of freedom and now... I'm addicted to the way they taste.

I came back home today knowing I will end up needing some extra funds. And we absolutely don't have them. My mom noticed I looked down, and my mom has always been supportive of me, despite everything. Well... She said "Don't look at me this way. I don't know where to get money. I will go and get extra money from the tax agency that they held back, and then... When you leave..." She paused. "Me and your dad will starve to death, or something." And she laughed under her breath. Annoyed. I feel awful. I feel absolutely horrible. Like a traitor. I feel guilt flooding every part of my body, I immediately want to hurt myself somehow. I left the room, just to avoid crying, or anything else, and now I write this.

If I stay, which is impossible now, I will be in a country that hates my guts, that wants to eradicate people like me. I would be absolutely miserable. I would never know happiness and freedom. My whole life would be a joke, a shell of a part of joy I could possibly have.

If I leave, which I dreamt of for 18 years, then it will be okay for me. I will have to make my way through life alone, but I would be free. And I would drain my parents of all money. And more money than they have now. And I would put them in poverty. I would be a traitor, I already feel like one.

So what do I do? I feel awful. Selfish. I feel like I need to die and not go anymore. Why would I do this to them? I should have bit less, now I can't chew.