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I am: 23, in last year of uni, UK.
I feel so bloody lost.
And overwhelmed.
My uni dissertation isn't coming along as I had planned: I need to rethink my research question entirely as I realise that it has no legs and I really need to sort that out by next week so I can complete the fecking poster presentation before then. I need to sort out other assignments for each week after that too and that's not much time at all to do any good work worth completing.
I am worried of the tiny chance I could fall pregnant due to a condom accident with my current partner even though I took emergency contraception exactly 9hrs later (which is very soon after the event).
I am worried about how little time I have left at uni here with friends and with said partner. He flies out in less than a month now and I'm scared he won't want to carry this on. I'm also scared that he will want to carry this on and I fear not being able to sustain a LDR, even though I am really hoping he will say yes to staying with me and would try my absolute hardest, putting all my effort into keeping it going; I think he's a really good guy, worth the effort and I can see a future with him, no matter how small the chance of that happening is. We both are working on communicating our needs and thoughts better and, honestly, I feel like we make a good team and our desire to communicate and compromise could make us a very good long-term couple.
I'm overwhelmed at the fact that I will soon leave the world of academia for good and will have to find work, set up life for a future me, a future marriage, a future family which will depend financially (at least to some extent) on me, a person who literally has a few pounds to her name right now, and a looming student debt which needs to be paid off. So essentially, I have a negative balance and am betting on my ability to secure a relevant, decent-paying job quickly.
Why do I want that job quickly? Couldn't I just live at home for a while to get my footing? The answer is Yes and no.
Sure I could just do that, but I really don't want to live at home, or at least I want to do this for as brief a period as possible. I have been wanting to escape the environment of my parents' deleterious marriage for a very long time and I believe (read as: know) that I will feel incredibly depressed and demotivated living in fucking *redacted* where I don't feel particularly inspired about life. All in all, I don't see good things happening for me if I stick to that trajectory.
What else could I do if not live at home? What I really want.
I want to set up life in a place that gives me joy, with people that give me joy, eating food that gives me joy, soaking up vitamin D, telling my children stories, cooking good food from wholesome ingredients (some of which I could grow myself), laughing, reading, writing, exploring new cities and art galleries, working on my relationship with my partner everyday and working through the inevitable hurdles together, build a familial support network that I feel I can rely on. Ultimately to build a family that I wish I had, over all these years, and to build up a family I love, of people where I feel like I belong.
Right now, I feel so far away from all of this and I am stressed because I want this life now. Not later. I am tired of this transitional, fleeting period of my life where you have no idea if the people you meet, the things you do and the life you lead will amount to anything at all. I am tired. I want permanence, stability, respite, peace, a person (more so than a place, which is a secondary priority for me) I can retreat to from the chaos of the world. I am a damaged ship looking for an anchor or port to work on my heart's repairs and desires.
As it turns out, I know exactly what I want. I just don't know how to get there.
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