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I've been in England for well over 8 years at this point, but I never integrated with the culture. The lifestyle. I've been both an outsider both in Italy and here, and I've had a hard time making friends my entire school life. It's not like I was antisocial, or anxious, it just seems time and time again I meet the wrong people that drag me down.
Nursery (?) in Italy was fine, to say the least. I'm only saying that because I can't remember anything from it.
First part of the equivalent of primary school (Italy) was... odd. I had a girl follow me asking me to marry her (I'm not sure if she had a crush on me or what. But I managed to scare her away by being a bigger creep. This sounds bad, but mind you she was sexually assaulting me on the daily by touching me up, following me around, and all I said was 'I'll marry you if you kiss me'. I really don't know where she learnt all that, and I don't feel victimised, frankly, just worried for her childhood years. I'm off topic, but that really changed my view on how people treat me.) my old best friend left me for another person, and didn't speak to me the weeks before I left for England. I was often given shitty gifts by the teachers whilst the rest of the class got stuff toys and the rest (I'll never forgive her.) I didn't fit in in Italy at all.
Even though with my poor english, I was able to get my point across and talk to people in primary school. Though, some kids used that to take advantage of me and bully me. In England, I was forced to cut my own hair by classmates, and I've been harassed by teachers before. Me being foreign always caused some problems back in primary school. I got pulled by the ear by a teacher for minutes because I didn't understand what she was saying (4-5 months after I enrolled to school, all I could really say was 'what' 'yes' and 'no'), embarrassed in front of multiple schools at the field trip.
I was essentially bullied the first two years I was here, both for missing important education due to being out of school for very important parts of primary (when you learn time tables, fractions etc.) and my accent. I got put in a special ed class, against my will, just because I spoke a foreign language. I stayed in that class until Y6. I learnt how to speak semi fluently by Y4. I felt an outsider even there, being at the top even though I knew it felt like cheating. After all, how can you call yourself a winner when you're going against a bunch of disabled kids? I might be harsh, but my teachers truly made me ashamed of myself for that. I didn't have a translator, or even a teacher willing to pull up Google Translate to help me. They all ignored me no matter how much I asked for help. All I got was a lousy assistant that would repeat the words back to me louder and louder until I faked that I understood.
This caused some sort of inferiority complex in me, moving to secondary being completely useless in social interaction. Not that I lacked the skills to talk (sure, my accent was still prevalent and still is, but my english was manageable) but no one talked to me. I had to force my way into conversations, or be ignored no matter how loud I spoke, or how funny my joke was. I've seen so many memes talking about 'someone repeating the joke louder'; but with how many times it happened to me, it was absurd. I grew very violent, unfortunately, in pre-covid years of secondary. I used to go around screaming at my classmates if they did something to me, stabbing my friends with pens and pencils if they made a bad comment about me. I think it stemmed from my embarrassment in primary, or just everything.
I've never been to an 'average' teenage party, never smoked, or had sex. It's not like I never do anything, but I'm missing things you need friends for. Frankly, I feel like I'm missing some major teenage experiences, and though I try to socialise more often it feels like my attempts are futile. My friends are able to talk to anyone seamlessly, and though on the surface it seems like I do too, I'm missing a connection with the person. Either I started trying to build friendships too late, and I'm missing something, or I'm just that unlikeable. Which I'd like to think not.
I'm trying my best to be more open, and sociable. I'm trying to integrate myself in more groups. Yet they either ignore me, or they're so insufferable I give up half the time. I don't know if I've had a bad streak with people, or I'm really that bad at talking. And it seems like public perception of me is a bit wonked from what I am actually. Not that anyone sees me in a bad light, but perhaps I've been carrying the 'talk-as-a-last-resort' vibe for too long.
This sounds stupid. It's not like I don't have close bonds, or don't have friends who understand me. But I feel misplaced in this world. I'd honestly much rather stay quiet my entire life than talk to my classmates, but it's taboo and I'm a pussy so I can't. It's not like I'm bullied now, or unpopular my any means. I'd say I'm well liked. But it's so hard trying to improve on an already failing facade to like school interaction, as stupid as that sounds. I've been rejected all my life I have no choice to reject social interaction in fears it'd spiral down to the countless friendships I lost.
At first, I strongly believed those lost friendships were because of me, but the truth is harsher. They probably weren't because of me. One friend left me because she found someone better, another became jealous and bullied me, and currently it's up to fate.
I don't care if anyone read it. I hate being an immigrant, I hate being me, honestly. I don't fit in. Sorry if it doesn't make sense, I'm not illiterate, it's just because it's late and I'm crying. There's too much to put in.
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