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sometimes i do things i know i shouldnt be doing to make myself feel better in the moment. at the end of it though, i feel worse. guilty. like i wasted trying so hard just to satisfy myself in a way i clearly needed, but failed terribly at it.
what's worse is i think im aware that most times, if not, all the time, itll end like that. with disappointment. but while im doing whatever it is i feel like i shouldnt be doing, i dont want to stop. i feel like i cant stop until i obtain whatever it is i set out for.
its like playing a video game. ur at arguably the most difficult level and u refuse to put your device down until youve finally won.
even then though.
u could win. and maybe youd feel great, sure, but the next challenge is beating the round after. and then it repeats like some kind of relentless cycle. where u can recognize that its slowly breaking u down, bit by bit, but for whatever reason, that awareness somehow isnt enough to pull u back, to bring u to ur senses, and so inevitably, ur stuck, playing the same game. not being able to escape. to get out of it.
its a mind trap.
and the thing is. i feel like im playing against myself. which means that even if i win, i actually lose.
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like i wasted *time* trying so hard just to satisfy myself in a way i clearly needed, but failed terribly at it.
ReplyYou have to try to love yourself and negativity that surrounds you and surrounding will let you live. Just breathe for yourself and try to build something for, find out what you love, try to do things with love , charity, helping.
This trap will end
ReplyOh man, I definitely agree. I struggle with composure a lot, mental breakdowns, intrusive thoughts, etc. Someone or something will or would always make me feel bad, it's worse when I'm like for example asleep and I'm battling whatever it is that's slowing me down in order to make myself feel better. I hate to admit it, because I'm so caught up into fixing my state of mind or mindset, that I completely forget about reality. And sometimes it feels real bad; if I go back to all the posts that I made, I was battling something inside from the outside in most of them. Fears, doubts and insecurities make me second guess myself and I think I'll never be happy again. It feels rough, it feels real rough. When you are at the top you never want to go down, but something throws you off, and suddenly you lose it, and you want desperately to go back. And it's like you are so high off life, or enjoying the moment so much, that you don't want to lose it or become aware of it because you know you can't trust yourself; but when you do become aware, something like throws you off and you lose it. I need to know that everything is fine, that's why I convince myself every time that I'm fine. I thought I made it so many times, like I paid the price and I was done, but somehow I still feel bad sometimes. All this might be the game you say you were playing. I want so desperately to go back to having that mindset, but then I remember that it was hard before, so why should I try now? I wasn't strong enough apparently, or I didn't solve it with relative ease. So now I'm like, how could I ever go back to feeling like I could do anything? I'm tired of sacrificing things in order to feel happiness. The only advice I could give you is sometimes when you try you get what you want, but I don't know if I can use that advice for myself.
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