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[TW. HEAVY THEMES]
I mused about Death, my own. I developed an aversion to suicidal thoughts and things related to depression + other pathologies because it's traumatic to see someone threaten to commit suicide... I've seen this twice in my life, once in my family and another involving a close friend. It scared the hell out of me. Worried too much.
And today I had these idealizations after a rough family moment in the morning. I don't want to die. Just want to be at peace again. I am a tired woman. You must be thinking: Hey, why you did not move out? Or find a boyfriend and go live with him? It's not that easy. I'm the only one to support my parents now... Or at least, be their Omen that everything will be okay. I don't care if there's nobody there for me... Got used to it. It is what it is.
I do have an occupation. My salary is enough to keep bills at bay. Isn't something compared to making 60K. Way less. But, at least I can call it mine. Never again depend on parents for anything (as everyone believes this) or pity. I know I deserve more income than this, as an HR bachelor. The companies aren't hiring people without experience in the area and a few do offer trainee recruitment.
I don't think it's a good idea to enter a relationship just to live with my partner. There's some trauma stemming from my family. It's rooted in my psyche.
All I have to do is make it through as long as I can.
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