What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text TEEN to 839863 (Teen Line). More resources.
like most of Earth's population, (and i'm not basing this off real statistics, i could very well be completely wrong), i'm not one to really consider or reflect(?) on my mental health. It was never a part of the picture for most of my life, in fact, i didn't know it was a thing 'til i was 14 years old. even then it wasn't something i really thought about.
anyways, the more i became aware about mental health the more i thought, hey maybe im fucked up. maybe i have depression, because hell, i was down and on the edge of suicidal. of course, little me never validated my feelings. crying is gross and the need to talk about things makes me feel uncomfortable. even now i hate the idea of opening up, all my experiences when trying were pretty shit ngl.
i tend to suck it all up (all those negative thoughts and emotions) and blank out, basically just spend most of my day on my laptop just mindlessly drowning on social media. it works as an incredible distraction and made way for the bad habit of forgetting everything, forgetting why i was ever sad in the first place. like a drug of some sort. people hate being alone with their thoughts, and surprise surprise, the same applies to me.
my life overall is kinda crappy, mostly 'cause of my dad and being on the edge of homelessness but i wont get into all that. i hate getting into it, especially because when i type it out all my problems feel stupid. this post is more about me recently discovering body dysmorphia is a thing, and i might actually have it.
i noticed how, when going out to the mall or walking outside past stores, my reflection always succeeds to capture my attention. and not it the "damn girl" way, not even the "oops i've got a little bit of ice cream on there" way, its more of a "you're hideous and i need to make sure you're in check" way. in the mall there are DOZENS of mirrors, and every time i run into one i always side glance or linger there for a little longer then im supposed to, fixing and adjusting the smallest things so i feel better about the crap angle i just caught a glimpse of.
sometimes i catch myself deliberately searching for a mirror, just to make sure i look okay. and when i look a second too long, suddenly what i thought i looked like isn't real. my face changes, my features distort and appear too large for my face. the bottom of my nose protrudes to much, my side profile is pudgy, whats this little lump of baby fat sticking out there? is it because of my dimple? i've seen people with dimples and they don't look this chubby from the side.
oh my god don't get me started on my eye brows. fuck.
i start thinking and thinking and pinching those parts of my face just hoping somehow they'd disappear or change. one second i don't want plastic surgery because something might go wrong, the next i want it desperately because what the hell is that monster in the mirror and why are they letting themselves out of the house?
sometimes i wake up in the morning feeling like an ass crack but i managed to successfully convince myself its just me being insecure and go to school anyway. when im there, i felt exposed, and the little parts of me i don't like i became so conscious of. I become hyper aware of their existence at an alarming extent and I felt everyone's eyes on them.
I remember one particularly traumatizing day when I desperately wanted to escape the classroom and check the mirror. i don't know for what or why it'd help, but i felt the urgent need to. i was given permission, but as soon as i got in the hallways and spotted people walking in my direction i felt on the edge of a mild panic attack. i had the strong, incredible urge to cry that day. it was physically painful to actually walk past them, to have them see my small eyes and the tip of my bulbous nose. my awkwardly placed thin lips and wonky face shape. the tiny chin that just looks wrong. it hurt so much.
recently i went to a shopping mall and my mom told me to wait with some of my siblings outside while she returned some unwanted items of clothing (god knows why she took so long). i just stood there with the physical urge to curl into a ball or hide in the nearest bathroom, hyper aware of every single person that walked past me (out of the hundreds of people actually, because gosh that day was a busy fucking day). I had turned around, my back facing the side where more people were walking so less people could see me.
my nasty habit of immersing myself in other peoples faces, in their features, and comparing them to mine had a lot of fun that day. sometimes i feel like i look creepy, just blatantly staring at almost every passerby.
the sad thing is i cant do what most people who think like me do. people who are this insecure tend to 'cover up' or find ways to hide flaws or look prettier. i fucking cant. my parents are extremely conservative, meaning no make up, no tight clothes, no short clothes, no clothes that have inappropriate content etc. my outfit options range from Amish (no offence, most of those guys are pretty neat people) to the likes of Walmart maternity wear. one of my biggest insecurities are my lame outfits, by the way. i don't have a say in that.
and oh how badly i want to hide my flaws with make up, but i cant. i'm not allowed to do any of that crap, i have basically no control over my life. i know insecurities get worse when you cover up and do every possible thing to fix them but nothing changes, but i hate not being able to try. to at least attempt to feel better in my own skin, be it unhealthy and unproductive. at this point ide be happy to do anything that'll make me feel better.
news flash, yesterday i find out something called body dysmorphia disorder exists. i identify with a hell a lot of the symptoms, not a shock after everything i just disclosed about myself. im always seeking reassurance in the subtlest ways, but it never helps. Hell, ive been called "saint mary" because of my face by one of my dad's coworkers once and that didn't help. i feel like the more i age, the uglier i get. my baby fat looked cute then, not anymore and its not going away.
i have no idea what i actually look like. fuck like for real i don't know, my perception of myself is always changing the more i spend staring at the mirror. theres this innate and very intense demand for a mirror that i have, and it gets in the way.
i feel good about myself for two or three minutes when i don't have the intention of going out or showing my face in public, so sometimes i doubt that i actually have a disorder. i can also force myself to go out (although we almost never do, most of my schooling is done online). then again yk, the signs are dancing, prancing and screaming at my dense, in-denial, stupid face.
some random statistic i came across said 1 in 50 people actually have BDD, which i found strange because i always thought everyone felt like this. doesn't everyone feel the same? or maybe not, maybe i'm not really obsessive over my looks and its just the typical, average joe insecurities?
BDD is a popular disorder, people are always saying they have it, so maybe me saying I have it is another one of those attention-seeking self diagnosis’s to add to the growing list. I don't want to be one of those teenagers.
if i really did have BDD though, boy would it be amazing to not being constantly lured in and glued to the mirror. i hate spending my day with the need to perfect my appearance shadowing my thoughts and darkening every fucking minute of my life.
also im not necessarily suicidal, but on bad days (which is most days) i do tend to stare at my scissors a second too long, just entertaining the idea of ending it all.
(ps, im not planning to get therapy or talk to my parents any time soon, im really not seeking a cure (though i probably should in case it gets worse), it just felt good to rant anonymously. ide be surprised if anyone actually read through all of this.)
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
bodyshaming?
Do you think it is ok when your mom comments on your body shape? I was underweight in the past, but now I am healthy. I feel fine with my body. My proportions a...
-
Do you think your ugly, fat or imperfect
I look at myself in the mirror, And all I see is imperfection, I wonder if I'll ever be enough, Or just a constant rejection. I compare myself to others,...