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I've been envisioning k!lling myself for the past few days. Thinking about how I'd leave my friends, how'd they feel and how I'd feel. As someone who identifies with the Christian religion is hard for me to not think about this without feeling guilty because I don't want to hell, but I'm really not happy here and I just can't seem to be comfortable with myself.
I've been ignoring my friends since last Friday. I feel bad because almost all of them realized immediately that my socials were gone and they have been trying to contact me but I just don't feel like talking. I know they care about me but i still feel like they don't. I don't truly think anybody cares about me that much. I sometimes convince myself that if i were to just disappear no one would be sad but rather glad. However, I know my bsf of 11 yrs would probably be heartbroken. I sometimes stay because of him. I know that If I were to go he would try to as well and I wouldn't want him to miss out on amazing opportunities because of me. I would want him to be happy and not feel burdened by my passing. I wouldn't want him to feel that kind of sadness and loss. Other times I think fk it we balling. Then I think I'm a puss about it. I have been planning it out thoroughly though. I found out the other day that someone in my neighbourhood tried to o/d and failed. His family found him and rushed him to the hospital. I now know not to send my friends and family messages in they day they might come looking. I've created a playlist on spotify for this very special occasion. Maybe it'll explain everything to them and an idea of how I've been feeling. There are alternative options ik but where I live they don't exist really, plus I don't think I could ever truly be happy. If I survive I'll probably feel really embarrassed and die of embarrassment instead. To be honest I'm just awfully tired of this feeling. I've been battling with social anxiety, panic attacks and depression since i was 11, I'm 17 now and I don't know how much I can take. It draining and Lord knows how tired I am. Sometimes I wake up and this wave of unknown sadness just hits me and I can't even explain it. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems or worry about me so I don't talk about it. But it's been weighing on me so much it sucks and I have to deal with all of it on my own.
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You don't have to deal with all of it on your own. That's not true. You should tell someone you've been feeling this way. Tell them you've been thinking about this. I know it's hard, and maybe it doesn't feel like they will care or understand. But I promise you there is more to life than this. There will be people who understand you. There are already people who clearly care about you. Anxiety, panic attacks, depression. All of these things can get better with therapy and/or medication. Exhaust all your options before you make a choice you can't un-make. Really give life a true fair shot. Don't give up when you're not even half-way through.
I promise you that you're never as alone as you feel in this world.
Reply<3 I'll try to push through and talk to someone and hopefully it helps me
ReplyI'm glad. Best of luck, and I hope you find the help you need. You've got this! ❤
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