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This is my first time writing anything on a public forum, in a moment of true desperation, I need some advice.
I'm not a bad person. My biggest flaws are that I can be impulsive at times and overly curious, but never with ill intent or for selfish reasons. I'm a 32 year old engineer. I do quite well where I work and my peers tell me I'm good at what I do. I helped grow my family's business from the ground up and now it does quite well. I've never been one to do a lot of hobbies, but I do have a lot of interests, if that makes sense. I like martial arts, pottery, running, video games, trivia, history, etc., but none of it enough to fully commit to anything in particular. I'm very driven and I think my dad put it best when he said "you have the starting intensity of a bull and finishing speed of a donkey". The Same with my friends, I have like 3 friends who I would consider close. I can actually make friends pretty easily, but just as easily lose interest in keeping in touch with them. I'm usually a very optimistic person and wear my heart on my sleeve. I keep a close circle and dislike surprises.
I met my wife 3 years ago. We met and very quickly got things going. We're the same age. She is the complete opposite as me in terms of race, culture, values, etc., so things were very fun and interesting. Because my family is very conservative (I'm not), they kept pushing me to make our relationship serious because they didn't approve of me staying over. I think they were hoping I would just stop staying over, but I proposed instead. We were engaged for a year and a half and have now been married for a year. As you can tell, everything moved very fast. As we went along, there were some bumpy rides. She is avoidant and I have some anxious tendencies. Her father abandoned them when she was a child and she grew up with an abusive stepfather. Thankfully, my parents seem happy to be together. This isn't meant in any way to demean her - she is amazing and I love her, which is the problem. As time went by I realized she hates awkward conversations and talking about the past because she's embarrassed, but turns out she's slept with more than 20 guys (that I know of) and at some point was in a relationship with a married man. I almost fell off my chair when I heard this. I've only been in a handful of relationships and one of them lasted 7 years. The point is, we have very different perspectives and can be very different in some aspects. I can be sentimental and a hopeless romantic and she can be incredibly rational.
This, together with pressure from my family (they kept making me feel guilty that i "abandoned" them), seriously triggered some anxious tendencies. I became paranoid into thinking what else she was hiding from me, unnecessarily bringing up her ex's and her past, yes - even checking her phone to see who she texted, and just overall become anxious and jealous of any guy she talked to. This wasn't like me but I honestly couldn't help it.
The point is, about 6 months before we got married she told me she didn't really love me, but that she was okay with that. She said that the way she figured, I was the best person she has ever been with, I have great values, and that she's very happy with me, and that was enough for her. I was thrown back again, because I always had a firm belief that you needed love for any marriage to survive. I told myself that it was normal for her to feel this, and that maybe feelings would eventually grow.
Well, it's been a year an a half and feelings haven't grown, if anything it's gotten worse. We were watching a romcom a few weeks ago (we never do this) and apparently that triggered her into wanting her "prince charming" and her "soulmate" and she just got sad that she didn't love me. Again, she can be extremely rational, but that also means she can be very cold hearted. She said that she doesn't know if she wants to commit to me and the thought of having children kills her because it would make her want to leave.
Basically, she says she cares about me like she would for a brother or a very close best friend, and she trusts me, but she doesn't feel me as "her person" and doesn't know if she ever will - this leads her to not want to commit to anything (i.e. having kids, buying a house, etc.) because she doesn't want to feel additional pressure to stay with me or feel forced to love me. She says she's happy "enough" to stay, and that it's good but not great.
I get it, part of me wants to leave with dignity, but part of me thinks it's not right. I think she's scarred from her childhood and is afraid of commitment (the longest relationship she was in was 2 years and it was mentally abusive, and the other ones were all a few months). She's afraid to trust and I get it - she trusted her stepfather and got her heart broken. Also, I don't believe in soulmates or true love either. I believe people should have compatibility, but they also need to put effort to make it work. I believe that's us - we actually do get along really great when we're not talking about our relationship. The dilemma now is what happens - I'm trying to stay calm, but basically the options we have now are either we separate now and lose the good thing we have; put effort into it until - 1. she doesn't develop deeper feelings for me so either she learns to live with it for the rest of her life, 2. she doesn't develop deeper feelings for me so leaves me so she sticks around until she finds someone better, or 3. she ends up developing feelings for me. All of those scenarios end up pushing back my hopes for children and a house years down the line, and it would suck having to "start over" in five years. The thing is, I really love her and don't want to lose her. I think it's worth the effort. Thoughts?
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From similar experiences, this is the likelihood, #2, #1 and #3. She may be using you as a placeholder. It sounds like you get along, but do not have the same values. My suggestion would be to start over now while you are young. You are correct- soulmates and true love essentially do not exist for 99% of humans. Her troubled past is affecting her view of you. You seem like a fine partner. What most people dont realize is that the “in love” feeling is temporary. It can last a few months up to a few years, but then it fades away. It is chemicals in our brain that make us feel that way.
Unfortunately, she does not realize what she has right now (you).
ReplyI think a relationship with no love, has a snowballs chance in hell of survival. Let's see, your an engineer, long ass hours spent away from family, wife finds other things too occupy her time. You want what she doesn't, she wants everything, but you? Walk away a man, head up with dignity, if not.....your a sap brother, plain and simple.
ReplyMaybe you should get couples therapy, bring up the suggestion to her and if she agrees then she wants to give your guy's relationship a shot and if she makes any excuse not to then I would leave her, to me couples therapy is a last resort sort of thing to attempt to save your relationship but if one party doesn't want to at least give it a try then they don't have you in mind.
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