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It rubs me the wrong way when my dad makes fun of me for showing emotions. Sometimes as a kid he’d get in my face and start fake crying really loud at me. I was accused of being dramatic and manipulative when I’d cry in front of my family. I don’t cry in front of much of anyone anymore. The only times it was really acceptable in my family to cry was when someone died. I was thinking about it last night and even when someone died, my first reaction was to start taking care of everyone else. I don’t know when I decided it was safer or more important than my own feelings, but I shelve my own feelings all the time, it’s just most noticeable in those moments. I never feel like I cried as much as I needed to, or was held and talked to from someone who could help me feel things. The only time I really cried in front of them was once when my friend had killed himself. I sobbed in front of them because I couldn’t handle it. I’d tried to sit down at the table and act normal after hearing the news but they saw my hands shaking and I just started bawling. I think maybe it was the only time I ever acted like that because I didn’t have to take care of anyone else. No one hurt in that moment like I did, I didn’t have anyone to take care of. I miss him still. I still got lectured some time later about what a selfish decision he made. This when they knew I wanted to kill myself too. My parents would talk sometimes about worrying about me less because I seemed the most put together of my siblings. I’m strategic and generally not one to fly off the handle and make poor decisions, but honestly it just made me feel unloved. I was left alone a lot and a friend some time ago said to me that she felt I act the way I do because I’m so used to being alone and doing things by myself. I didn’t feel safe at home because I was getting yelled at and made fun of. I am afraid of getting abandoned and that maybe no one really likes me, and that feeling sticks to everything. People have been, in their own words, deeply in love with me, and I had no idea because in my mind it is impossible. It’s not that I didn’t see the signs, it’s that I didn’t accept it as reality because it didn’t make sense to me as something someone would feel for me. We’re moving again soon and I won’t see the friends I have now as much. I am really sad about this. I was on a walk earlier through the neighborhood and thinking of how one day I want a house that’s all mine, and I want to clean the wood floors and be there with someone who loves me. I don’t want to feel on edge all the time, and I want to sit on my porch and read. Maybe have a dog. I never expected to stay as long as we did because we never stay that long, and I knew we had to leave eventually, but god I just want to feel safe and like maybe someone loves me and doesn’t feel inconvenienced by me.
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