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So I was diagnosed with autism when I was like 5 and the thing is I keep masking because I have no neurodivergent friend to act normally with. I am always hanging out with neurotypical and I got that habit of changing my personality to fit them but I hate it because now I don't know who I really am anymore.
Lately I told my parents I had an oral abt a book to do in class (the professor asks questions and you raise your hand and answer which means if you don't raise your hand they're not gonna force you and you can have a 0) and they were like "You can do it, you know no one ever starts by being very comfortable with oral" but damn man I was so annoyed because I tried to make them understand I have autism implicitly but they didn't get it and I didn't want to say autism at that moment... Actually I was in denial of my autism until last year (I'm 16 now btw).
They would be like "Yeah but you made a lot of progress since the beginning to the point we don't even notice it anymore" but NO I didn't make any progress actually... I keep masking so society leaves me alone and that's exactly the reason why you don't notice it anymore and you forget about it constantly. And about the oral I didn't manage to participate a single time and it is graded so...yeah
I think actually I'm a non verbal autistic since I don't talk to people I don't know well, still I mask by being kind and all but inside I don't know how to react and interact... Even with my professors I'm barely saying "Hello" or "Goodbye" going in and out of class and I never participate on classes... I have only a few professors that know about my autism because I don't like being treated differently because of it so I refused to say it to every single one. Now I kinda regret it...
I went to therapy a lot when I was a child and now I don't anymore and sometimes I would like to do it again, but even with therapists I can't talk to them openly until a few times seeing them... My mother is a therapist herself but sometimes she doesn't understand me but I know you can't act with your family like with a patient ofc...
So my autism makes my life suck and I don't know what's positive abt it, I do a lot of efforts that seems to be useless and society is not helping anyways...
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Society is for able minded people who are quite capable of working which helps society get along and also gives these people something useful to do. If you can get a job and keep it you should be alright. There are positives about your life and they are: a roof over your head, food in your belly, a comfortable bed, able to watch telly, going online, maybe having a phone, nice things you can say are 'mine', and no real reason to moan. If you have a pet that is something great even a cat or dog and you have the freedom to go for a jog. Think of how many more things you have to be grateful for. Perhaps your parents as well. And I hope that you are feeling well.
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