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hi,
i know you’re doing really well today, and i’m happy that you are, but sometimes i wish that when you have good days, that you’d text me.
it’s stupid, isn’t it? that i want you to take time out of your day just to text me. but also, i wish our texts were happier. i wish that your good days could stop our arguments, because nowadays, that’s all we text for. we write each other long paragraphs filled with unanswered questions, stupid points, and from me, the occasional insult. i always feel bad that i call you a coward and a liar, and i know it’s why you barely talk to me outside of school.
sometimes, i wish you could see why i call you those. even though i tell you all the time, how you’re a coward for not facing your problems, how you lied when you said there was no one else, how much of a coward you were when you avoided me, and how you lied when you told me you loved me. i wish you knew what you’ve caused to me, how i can’t really believe anymore when you say you love me, how i’m scared to tell you my concerns because i know it’ll start an argument, and then you’ll avoid me for a day. i hate those days. i’ll pretend i’m happy with our friends but it hurts like shit, every time you don’t show up with them, i know i’ll be thinking about you the entire time.
it’s all stupid though, everything i said here. because i know i’d never say it if we were okay right now, if i’d accepted your apology before i told you to fuck off and go to your car. i take it back now, i swear i accepted the apology before i forced you away, even if i thought you didn’t mean it. i guess it’s my turn to apologize now, since we argued over text.. again. and now i’m stuck waiting for your response on my long paragraph. i’m sorry for being mad about something so simple, so easily fixable. i’m sorry for telling you to leave me alone and go hold hands again with some girl from our class, and i’m sorry i get jealous so easily. i think that’s all.
but now i know how you think i’m too young to love, too young to love you. i don’t know where that came up in the argument about me being jealous you held another girl’s hand, and how your friends clearly made you happier than i did, but i guess i disagree. i’ve loved you ever since i started getting to know you, i never knew how i knew only one girl who was attracted to you. you were everything i wanted, honestly. you had interests that i’d never heard of and music taste that i couldn’t quite understand but could at the same time, and ever since i’ve spoken to you, it feels like everything makes sense. i wouldn’t call it love yet, when i first spoke to you, but slowly, i think i could call it that once i started hanging around you all the time. i think i could call it love, when during classes, i started staring at you all the time. it didn’t help that you were right in front of me. and to my friends, they officially called it that when i started waiting for you to start a conversation all weekend. i think you know now, how much i love you, since you know that i’ve done a lot just to keep you. but i think i’m thinking kinda wrong. you underestimate my love for you so much, it’s actually confusing. but you tell me you love me “so much”, and i can’t help but not believe you, because of all of the things you’ve done, but i do wonder how you don’t know how much i truly love you. you think i want to leave, but i’m not going to leave you until i’m physically unable to stay. and i’ve told you.
i know you think i’m too young to love you, but what’s the point of everything i’ve done if you’re not even willing to wait? would you want to lose me now, rather than wait for me in the long run?
i’m confused by every little thing you do, but i love you a lot, never forget it.
— 💀
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