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With you things were so perfect. Though we never knew of each other’s feelings till after our friendship, you are my first and only love, so far. Since you, I’ve dated plenty but none have been able to amount to the way you made me feel. You weren’t the kindest at times, but to be fair we were only friends. I never wanted to love you, in fact when you did like me I was in complete denial because my friend liked you, and I didn’t want to betray her. When I think back, she would’ve understood if I told her my feelings, but the need to be different got me. Every girl, and some guys I knew, had a crush on you. From the beginning we said we wouldn’t catch feelings. We were strictly friends with benefits. You were my first kiss and so far the only kiss that made me get butterflies. My second kiss happened 9 months later, I felt nothing. I wish your parents liked me so we could’ve stayed friends. I think we were destined to mean something to each other. My best friend from 2nd grade was friends with your cousin. Sounds like the universe was setting up our meeting at that point. You said you could never love me the way I loved you because of her. I’ll be honest, you have no one to blame but yourself. She never made moves on you, she never liked you the way you liked her. You had the right to have a crush, but it was odd to claim you guys were talking when you weren’t. Regardless I don’t blame you for having a crush. She’s perfect. She had 2 scholarships at 14, light green eyes, healthy 3A hair, tan skin, a Marilyn Monroe beauty mark, and her parents didn’t mind what she did. She could leave in the middle of the night and they wouldn’t bat an eye. I’d envied her from the moment we became friends, who knew it’d drag on years later. I’ve thought about reaching out to her and rekindling our friendship so you’d have to see me again and realize what you lost. You said I was exactly your type, personality wise. But being half white and half Korean wasn’t your preference. I remember you telling me I was the type of girl you’d invite to a cookout, I was your “homie”. You said you only liked “Latinas and light skins”. I don’t understand how we talked for months and you never felt anything. You said I was the only girl you’d ever truly cared for, aside from family. My love for you will never perish, and I’ve still thought of you everyday since we kissed, but there’s nothing more I want than to go back in time and prevent us from meeting. Okay, I lied. If I had the ability to go back in time, I’d tell you I had a crush on you and we’d hopefully live happily ever after. We both know that’s never happen. The point of all of this is, I’ll always be willing to accept you back into my life, but as long as you aren’t planning that, I need help to move on because I hate feeling this way. I’m unable to love the same because I’m stuck on you. I’m grieving someone who isn’t dead. I love you, E.
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