Lost love

(This is something I’ve been building in my notes for a while)

I keep remembering the dumbest shit from (my ex). I don’t want to remember any of that, I don’t want to remember how her flannel felt on my cuticles, I don’t want to remember how I asked her to be my girlfriend, I don’t want to remember how we were together watching shows, I don’t want to remember how her eyes winkle when she smiled, but fuck I did love her and I don’t want to remember how much I did. I loved someone I barely knew and I hate it. I hate how she hates me. But I just want her back. I want her to be my friend I want her to be my (ex’s name), the one I could text without annoying, the one I could smile at and send pretty snaps to. I want her hands on my face, I want her to love me like it felt like she did. I want to be loved. I don’t want to remember her or anything about her because then I can be saved from hurting everytime I think of her.

I hate not knowing what she thinks of me. Does she hate me? Or am I just crazy. Is she really that petty?? Maybe I hate her. I hate her for what she did to me. I hate myself for letting her get to know me. I hate myself for not fully letting her know who I am. I just want 1 fucking conversation but that is apparently too much to ask for. Maybe I do hate her. Maybe I am not over it. But I have every right to not be over it. She kissed me like I meant something. With her I felt like someone finally wanted me for more than just my brains. I want to go back and kiss her every chance I got. I want to be touched by someone like that again. I want a physical and mental connection. I want to be loved and wanted for every part of me. But I guess that’s too much to ask

Holy shit I mirrored the girl I met in order to heal why did it take me so long to realized that. I’m a changed person only because I became who I met to feel less alone and hurt after the girl I met left.

OMFG again I though of you again. God I hate you, but I don’t hate you for you, I hate thinking about you, I hate how things ended, JUST FUCKING TALK TO ME. I miss being loved, I love being loved and the way you made me feel was like being in space, peaceful yet exciting and I want to feel that love again. I want to text you and talk about all the things we liked. I wanna watch marvel movies but only with you, I wanna hear you talk about Spider-Man and see how you love your cats. Your smile, god I wanna stare at it untill I can’t stop myself from kissing you, your lip ring, I want it to touch my teeth and I miss the feel of you lips and toung I want you or something that resembles that relationship