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I think the scariest point in time in my life is when I realised I was truly alone. When the silence was no longer a friend, but a foe. When a blade got under my skin deeper than the words my mother threw at me to tarnish the fake walls I build around myself. When I couldn't even utter the words "I'm not okay" to my closest of friends. Thats what killed me the most.
In my head alone I can think of 5000 ways to end my life, and honestly, if I genuinely wanted to, I would. I don't know what's holding me back tho. I'm at a point in my life where not even the thought of the tears of my friends at my funeral makes me want to stay. My own selfish mind would think as to why they're crying when I', finally home.
I've never had consistent friends, and the few that I do I am grateful, but how is it that in this large world, where almost everything exists, I only ever seem to find myself surrounded by snakes and withces. Fake friends show their colors, minds separate from each other. I genuinely feel like I don't have a home.
The scariest point in my life was realising that I wanted the moment I realised my life was scary was when it was ending, cause living a life so haunted with thoughts of the other world and how quick I can get my ticket, knowing that there might be a possibility it gets rejected and I'll have to live more is terrifying.
I have no home to go to,
I have to love to give or take,
The scariest point in my life is honestl that I know that right now if I close my eyes to sleep, there won't be any dying and tomorrow I will be awake.
Fuck this shit.
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It's an internal struggle to live with one's self, to be alone with one's self, if they believe there's something defectively wrong with them. Based on what you said, not only is it the snakes and witches of this world that you find yourself with, but your mother scarred you deep with her words. You had been carrying the weight of others, looking for a place of belonging, but I'll ask you this: are friends all there is to live for?
Your three-hundred-word timed entry likely won't capture every breath of your struggle, but from what I wonder is about your identity outside of friends. There might be walls around you that get you through life, but what is underneath that? Are there inspiring passions or strong values that drive you? Maybe this might give you a canvas to work with when you're looking for others who share common interests with you.
From what you said, you are looking for a home — perhaps a place or feeling or purpose you can call yours and yours alone. And that, like the friends who have stood the test of time, there's value in consistency.
But what is that part of you that imagines your friends' tears at your funeral? That part of you that wonders if there is peace after death? You might think, how can there be peace in this life if all there is are thoughts working toward my demise?
They are all scary thoughts of a sinking weight — and you hope for a change. I'm hoping for a change with you, because living alone with the pressure of rejection never feels great. Do what you must to keep pushing on; I believe you know where your hope is in.
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