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I have an unprompted thirst for revenge. I daydream about killing people in hypothetical situations. Taking my anger out on them. But only when they deserve it. I'm definitely a maladaptive daydreamer. One of my more frequent daydreaming senarios is set in the future where Im an adult (Im 16) and I have a kid and someone tries to hurt them so I kill them. Usually with a gun, occasionally with a knife. I like imagining the person suffering. I'd torture them. I'd want to scare them. I feel crazy when I think about these things because I enjoy it so much. Part of me likes feeling crazy. Feeling crazy is better than feeling nothing.
I'm not a violent person. I hate violence. I even avoid movies, TV shows and books that have violence in them because I dont like it. I'm very nice and polite to everyone and Im understanding when someone hurts me. No one would know I have these thoughts. My neighbor always talks about how Im such a sweet girl. What would she think of me if she knew?
I just love thinking of hurting people. It gives me a rush. Its not specifically the hurting part, just the revenge part. Sometimes I think of senarios that dont include physical pain, just other kinds of revenge. Is there something wrong with me? i dont want to be fixed. I like this feeling. And no its not a kink or anything (90% sure its really not). I dont know what it is. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I guess I'm just sadistic... in a non sexual way (which makes it worse).
I know its bad but sometimes I silently hope something very bad happens to me to the point where I can kill for revenge. Its such a numbingly manic feeling I get. Everything else goes away. Nothing else is even real. Its just me and my revenge.
I can feel myself slipping everytime but I still let it happen. I think this feeling is dangerous.
I heard about this lady in Russia from years ago (possibly in the 70s) who killed her 7 yr old daughter's murderer IN the courtroom. She shot him and emptied the gun before anyone tried to stop her. Sometimes I imagine being her. It feels good. He hurt her baby so she killed him. Just like my daydreams. revenge feels so good. It clouds my mind. It takes over me.
Speaking of Russia, I also heard of a girl in Ukraine who catfishes Russian soldiers to find out their positions. UGHHGHhahasagh thats my dream. Years ago I watched a documentary about this lady in the US who catfishes pedos and works with the police to catch them in the act. I'd love to do that. It would feel so good to be the reason they were in jail. I'd love to lure people to their defeat. Power. I love it. I crave it. Siren vibes for sure.
Im passionate about photography. I get an exciting rush from it. The same kind of feeling I get from thinking of hurting people for revenge (minus the crazy part).
good thing this is totally anonymous. bye
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It will do you good to see a psychiatrist about this in case you do hurt or kill someone.
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