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I'm feeling frustrated for three main reasons. The first one is that I feel wildly alone and am longing for people similar to myself, which I haven't found. I feel like an absolute alien and have been reaching out to sources again and again, especially recently, without luck. That's part of the second reason which is that I'm trying to find a college to transfer to which is better suited to my interests and goals, which is difficult. I've been speaking to advisors but have this constant result that the sources I seek aren't equipped to help or aren't thorough enough to give me the best results. I'm learning more and more recently that no one is as qualified as myself to help me with most everything and that reaching out doesn't often achieve a lot. Still, I am absolutely overwhelmed and stifled at the process of college searching. The third problem is that I have cripplingly severe gender dysphoria which I recently started seeking therapy for, but the same problem is occurring that every source I've sought for help hasn't been well-equipped to help me. I feel depressingly hopeless about this because it affects every other aspect of my life, but there is no easy solution and I can't find the help I need to deal with this. My gender dysphoria is too severe for me to be in a relationship, but I've been recently thinking a relationship would be good for me at this point in my life. It's also too severe for me to get any real exercise or join a sports team, which I think would also be really good for me and I feel like I'm getting out of shape and physically crave the exercise. I've also noticed lately that even though I get a lot of compliments and positive feedback as a person and on my work, I've started to resent that feedback a bit which I think is because I hate myself and because I don't get why I still feel so alone and misunderstood if people are seeing me enough to say these things. I wish I could find people that are actually like myself and a therapist who could help me analyze and work toward real progress and who understands the transgender and nonbinary experience firsthand. I need a community or a place where I can be whole. I know it must be out there, but the world is incredibly big and there's only one of me who can't find the sources to help find my place. Overall, I'm feeling alone, depressed, uncomfortable, restless, overwhelmed, and frustrated.
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You are making excuses for problems with all of these things. In other words, you are sabotaging yourself. I would also like to talk to people who have similar interests as mine but there are few out there so instead of making this a problem I enjoy the company of those I know. As for college why don't you pick a course that will interest you to some extent and do it instead of being so fussy? As for your gender dysphoria just receive whatever help there is and be happy that there is some help. No wonder you are feeling these negative things. Try to relax and go with whatever life has to offer you.
ReplyConsider this.
Family members, friends, neighbors, and teachers began labeling us starting at an early age. This continues to this day and along the way we accept and adopt some of these descriptions – I am anxious, pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, young, old, clumsy, athletic, smart, stupid, rude, sensitive, perceptive, naive, sad, serious, worthless, cautious, reckless, emotional, insecure, etc... We began seeing ourselves as this defined limited character (a separate self) and our thoughts and behaviors are consistent with this idea. Our ‘separate self’ character feels incomplete and wants to get what is missing. It also feels imperfect and wants to get rid of problem areas.
When the unwanted happens to us, when the wanted does not, and every time our effort to fix ourselves fail, we suffer. We feel agitated, irritated, bored, disappointed, jealous, anxious, depressed, afraid, lonely, angry, or some other unwelcomed feeling or sensation.
Each of us are self-aware to an extent but when this knowledge is not clear, our true nature is hidden. A close look reveals that the most common element found in every one of my experiences is my presence – ‘I am there’. When I am sad, I am present there. When I am happy, I am present there. When I am scared, I am present there. When I am in love, I am present there. When I feel anxious, I am present there. When I am angry, I am present there. The truth is ‘I AM this always present AWARENESS that has no shape, size, age, race, gender, weaknesses, needs, or demands.’ Undefinable unlimited AWARENESS, can’t be harmed and resists nothing.
The dance of creation is all of GOD’s creatures just experiencing each other and surrounding things. Animals do what they must and then enjoy their down time moments or sleep. After handling our obligations, instead of enjoying ourselves, we usually spend this time trying to make our current situation different / better than it is or waste this time regretting that it is not. We want and usually attempt to acquire and secure preferred objects, circumstances, wealth, activities, and / or relationships expecting them to deliver lasting peace, love, and happiness. Even if we are successful, the satisfaction is only temporary. I finally realize that these coveted feelings are not earned, produced, provided, achieved, or possessed. Peace, love, and happiness is our essential nature – how / what we are at our core. They shine through our being and energize our actions when we remember that this is so.
We really don't have a life to live as we choose. LIFE has us. Each of us is what LIFE is doing where we are right now. Every encounter is an opportunity to go with and not resist this flow. When we give up on our false sense of control and just let IT BE, LIFE more effectively operates through us making this world a better place, one laugh, one smile at a time.
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