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14 years old
First time being drunk
First time sneaking out
Sophomore boys picking us
My two friends and i were wearing shorts, sweatshirts, and birks
Blurry car ride due to the stolen alcohol we consumed
I remember walking through a gate to go through a back door
The basement was small
Stained beige carpet
Stone fireplace insert
Old couch filled with boys
A few more in scattered chairs and spots around the room
Muggy dirty smell in the air
I lost one of my friends as soon as we got there
I fell onto the couch and caught glimpse of her going down the hall with a boy
The other friend was nearby by the sound of her voice
I don't know how long we were or how long i sat
I don't remember doing anything after falling onto the couch
The next memory i have was in a completely different place
Walking outside in the dark
Being guided into the passenger of a very short car
Situating myself up and observing my surroundings as he gets in the driver's seat
I don't think i let him kiss or touch me but i truly have no idea what happened in that car
I don't remember how i got out
I don't remember going back in the house
I don't remember driving back home
I vaguely remember frantically asking for lexie remembering i hadn't seen her
None of us ever spoke of the night again
To this day I don't know what happened to lexie or if she remembers either
We never got closure
They never got justice
15 years old
2 days shy of the sweet sixteen
Convinced my mother for a sleepover away
Promised all loose ends were tied
Changes quickly planned as i arrived
I immediately knew it wasn't going to be a girls night
Its all a blur now that i think back
I don't remember much besides a polaroid of us
The five of us on the bed, drinking
That's the only solid picture i have remaining within that 18 hours
I was wearing shorts and a t shirt
The next glimpse i have from my time there
The next morning
On the ground in between two people
I remember turning my head to tell the person next to me to stop
They were touching and grabbing
I didn't know what exactly was happening
I was half asleep
And shooed away the contact
I don't know the time in between the glimpses
But the last thing i remember from this day
Was waking up to another force
This time it was it was different
I remember opening my eyes
Looking down at me in shock were my two friends
I began processing what was happening
As my hopelessly numb and scared body laid
I watched my friends walk out
This is the last i remember
I don't remember how it ended
I don't remember talking
I don't remember leaving
I don't remember the rest of my day
I don't remember my birthday
And i didnt tell anyone
I saw him at school
I saw him out sometimes
I stared waiting for something
But he only ever acted like we were just mutual friends
He would try to touch me sometimes
I would revolt in anger
Eager for a conversation about the truth
He would only ever react confused and blow it off
I contacted him
I asked
I attacked
All i got was blown off and ignored
It swallowed me
I have had nightmares
Being taken advantage of while being paralyzed
And watching my friends sit around and watch
I have never talked to those who were there
I don't even know if they know to this day
I wish i knew what went through their minds
How couldn't they tell i was asleep
I was scared
I was numb
Paralyzed in fear and confusion
How couldn't they see it
How couldn't they even question it
I never got closure
He never got justice
16 years old
It's halloween
Its a school night
Were at on of my best friends house in my neighborhood
Her parents are home
Many people, open area
I was dressed as a cat
I had leggings, a bra, and a long sleeve mesh shirt
It was 10:21
I needed to get home for curfew
I change my shirt quickly in the corner of the bedroom
I catch a stare
I grab my bag and leave to look for my keys
I turn into the bathroom checking the counter
I feel a body approach behind me and grab me
He turns me around and pushes me into the next room
I push him off and he pushes me against the wall
He closes and locks the door
He begins pulling my shirt off
I pull it down and he moves to my pants
I pull them up and he goes back to my shirt
Back and forth
Back and forth
Against the wall
Trapped
Two doors away from the noise
4 minutes to curfew
I somehow escape
He pulls back and i bolt
I fly through the crowd and up the stairs
I reach the front door and hear the footsteps following
I rush out the door
It opens behind me
I begin jogging
I hear running
I unlock my car and throw myself in and close the door
He was already at my passenger
Right as i lock he pulls the door
Three times
Aggressive threatening
He knocks and he talks to me
I fly down the driveway in reverse
I turn the street wiping the tears from my face
Pulling my clothes on all the way
Breathing before i make it home to speak to my parents
I shake as i rush down the street
I don't remember getting home
I don't remember anything i did that night but lay and replay it
Over and over
I didn't sleep
I had nightmares
I was trapped again
I was being chased again
I didn't even have his social media
We had never met
I didn't tell anyone
I don't remember who i did tell
I don't know what i did
I don't remember ever talking to him again
He face is still in my nightmares
I want revenge so bad
I never got closure
He never got justice
16 years old
I was staying the night my friends
We had some guy friends over and were drinking
They had gone home and i was still wide awake
A good guy friend i've had for years at the time lived next door to paige
He happened to be up still too
He had known i was drinking all night and i informed him i was very intoxicated
He encouraged me to come over to see him
We conversed over it for a while and i had finally decided to go
I made my way through the dark yards until i came upon his window
He texts me and tells me to stack the rocks to reach the window
Still intoxicated, i take apart the structure of the garden and make a pile of rocks
Still unable to get in, he begins pulling me as I try to move towards him
Most likely a solid 15 minutes passes until i make it into his room
Bruised on my hips and cut up on my legs
I collapse on his bed as he closes his window
I tried to make out his room but am unable to
i woke up, not knowing anything had happened
I remember him telling me he came because i was confused
Confused how and where, because we were under the sheets
I have slight memory of the sun rising as I was unstacking the rocks
We didn't talk about that night for a long time
This was one of my few christian highschool friends
Finally weeks, possibly months later, i texted him
I asked him what happened the night i came over
He responded with “Let’s just forget that night happened”
I explained i didn't remember anything
i asked what we did
I asked him where he came
He refused to answer any other questions and hasn't spoken to me since
I never got closure
He never got justice
18 years old
I'm in the car with my ex-boyfriend
Parked off the side of the interstate
It's another goodbye meeting, ending our cycle again before i moved off to college
He asked to have sex one more time before i left
I agreed if it was quick
We get in the back
During, he begins threatening his possession over me and my body
He tries to get me to repeat and agree with his comments about guys at school, etc.
Thrusting as hard as he can now, i tell him he's hurting me
He grabs my throat and continues telling me he wants me to remember how this feel
And he wants me to remember no one else can hurt me like he can
I went silent, in shock
He finished and i put my shorts on and got in the front
I didn't talk the rest of the way home
Im unable to speak of or to him now and he has made me out as the bad person
I never got closure
He never got justice
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