I hate him, I want him dead

I can’t pick up the phone when it rings cause I’m scared it might be him on the other side of the line (he’s my mom’s closest friend, and calls her often), I fear I’ll lose my aunt and/or she might choose him over me if I do come out with the things he’s done (he’s my auntie’s husband and the father of my cousins). I know I wouldn’t be able to live with the shame if I were to tell someone, but at the same time, I can’t live with it now.

He’s the reason I hate looking at my body in the mirror, why I’m so scared to turn 18, why I feel I can’t dress freely, why everything I do feels gross.

I told him I viewed him as a dad, Both as I was growing up and then (before he did what he did), but he still did it. He pressed against me and told me if I were truly loyal then I’d do it.

He’s caused so much anxiety in my life, and every day it eats at me. I just wanna die.