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Why is it hard for me to be happy and live freely of my own choices and decisions in life? At this point, I also don't know if the decision that I made to continue and pursue my studies are worth it. I just want to get a better job to provide better for my family in the future that's why I decided to go back to school. But with that, my husband left me and my kids because he can't support the reason why I wanted to go back to school. I am already 30 yrs old with 2 kids and it's hard for me to manage my time especially right now that I am the only one left behind. I want to apply for a job while studying but I don't know if I can still manage it. I am planning to apply for a job this vacation so that I can earn and save money. My mom helped me with the bills not only mine but also my kids which I can't stand anymore. I am already ashamed though she always says that she understands. I want to help but she doesn't want me to work. She doesn't allow me to go out even for a day to relax which I think I deserve. My decisions are always based on what she thinks is good for me and my kids which sometimes makes me think if it is still good to follow her. I don't know anymore. My siblings are not close to me so I can't tell them what I'm going through. I feel the pressure and stress all over me.
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Lol I was typing my your question are answered before you posted let me know if they answer
ReplySounds like you are definitely in a rut and we can understand why you aren't feeling well, mentally, at this time.
There's a lot to process here.
For starters, because you are dealing with so many issues, I think it's best if you try to work on the issues one at a time. Make a list of everything that's currently bothering you - even the small stuff. Once done, review the list and mark off the items you have absolutely no control over. This should lighten your load a bit. Now, with the remaining items, put them in order where the issues that bother you most are at the top of the list and the issues that bother you just a little bit are at the bottom. Once done, you'll have a list of issues you can work on but, you can work on them one at a time to not feel overwhelmed. For the first item, what can you do to help make the situation better? Maybe, for example, it's the issue that your mom doesn't want you to take a break for a day. For this, you could plan to have a private discussion with her and explain, possibly, that you are busy around the clock and that, for this reason, your brain needs a break. Think about what kinds of comebacks she might have and come up with answers for those so you're prepared to put her mind at ease. Once resolved, you move on to the second issue on your list and so on and so forth. In this, you'll be focusing on one issue at a time rather than 40 issues at a time.
Sorry to hear that your husband and children left during your school adventure. When someone is to return to school, it can certainly put a strain on a relationship as there will be a loss of time and money during the schooling. In a relationship such as yours, where children are involved, it puts a strain on both parties. You would be now dealing with school and afterschool studies (homework, projects, etc.) and your husband would be dealing with more "home care". He's now having to do more for the children and more work around the house - shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. And if all that weren't enough, someone can be in school for many months or several years even. That said, I think it's very important both sit for a long conversation about it all. How will this affect us? How will we handle it? Why are we even doing this? What good could come from it? What will we do if there's an issue? I hope you two had that conversation prior to you enrolling in school even if you doing it for the right reasons.
But now that you're in school, it sounds like you're doubting your decision. Too many variables for anyone to give a "correct" answer, I suppose, but I think there are some factors that could help you make a decision. If you've already made much progress and are, say, more than halfway, maybe you'd like to push through and just wrap it up and put it all behind you. Once done, you can try moving into this new career path for the purpose of, as you said before, making more money. Are you currently living at home with your mother? Your post doesn't say for sure but, because you say she is controlling, it sounds to be the case. Maybe finishing school will allow you to get a position where you can afford your own place and move away from her roof. But, then again, if you aren't too far into the schooling or you just don't think it's the right move for you, maybe get out now and cut your losses. Start looking for work so you can have money coming in where you can back on your own two feet.
It also sounds like your siblings aren't close to you. If you have friends, these are the kinds of things you can discuss with them as well. If you've already made your list of issues and prioritized that, maybe visit with a friend to discuss just the one issue you're currently working on.
I think it's true for most people that we have dark chapters in our lives. I certainly do. Those are all behind me now and I certainly don't mind speaking to them with others. In fact, many of the stories are funny to me now. I hope, in time, you'll move past all of this and that, one day, you'll be able to look back on all of this and realize how far you've come and how much you've grown.
No matter what happens, we're all wishing you the best!
Good Luck!
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