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freedom and delusion.
i felt so free up there during that hike, up high in the hills, away from reality with him by my side. surreal he called it. yes, i agreed. our beautiful, green earth all around us and so far down, the bright yellow sun looking down at us, heating our skin, all while i took those difficult steps up the steep, stoney trail. with every step, came a greater breath i exhaled. while he simply looked at me, smiled and held my hand supporting me to the top, so i don’t slip. what beautiful patience, i thought.
even between the moments when no trail was on site, when all we could see was endless green horizon, we made it together, thanks to him. such patience and perseverance. so this is what it feels like, to have someone always by your side. what a beautiful person, i thought.
high up in the sky, harsh wind blowing through my hair, on the dangerous edge of a big grey rock, his green eyes looked into my eyes and smiled. what a beautiful moment, i thought.
let’s stay here forever he said. i wish i said.
but… question?
you shouldn’t question. that would lead to answers we don’t want. what are we really hiding? who are we really? how much truth was behind that one eye? but it’s okay i thought.
just pixels on a screen? as we had always mentioned. just pixels on a screen.
this was reality now, nothing is as real as now. nothing closer than now. enjoy the moment, i thought. shut up, i thought.
the future and anxiety, they seem to go hand in hand. the unknown is scary yet we seem to hint at certain up-comings that would invoke excitement in both stomachs. time will tell, i thought.
home. rest. sleep. we both couldn’t wait. we were there together, all the way through the walk, the travels, and at home all through the night. oddly, when the sun set and the birds stopped and all we could see was pitch darkness, that’s when we both woke up. the night engrossed that perfect day and the demons were out to play. here we go again, i thought.
vulnerability is strange, we see the sides we so desperately desired to hide. but we were no longer on that hill, the sun was no longer shining, the sky was no longer bright blue. the truth, the painful truth, would always prevail. we lied down and…. question. question some more. finally, i know. the mask has been lifted and from delusion i came to my senses. his comment hurting me as much as a sharped knife. i see, i thought. i see a different face now. but at least you’re honest, i thought.
quickly, guilt consumes me, rushes through my body as fast as my blood. waking up from delusion, a short weekend delusion. i suppose it was beautiful while it lasted. yet there i realised he needs that support more than me on those steep trails. someone to hold his hand, so he doesn’t slip, and spiral back down, all the way down. i don’t know if it can be me to hold your hand, i thought. don’t slip, oh i beg you, please don’t slip again.
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